Day 1: 10:00 AM - 11:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

No one new, but we don’t have the room anyway. This is a busy hour that is one of the best of the first season.

Key Moments:

• Jack wastes no time with Cofell, after Cofell takes a call about a meeting Jack explains the situation by gunpoint. Cofell plays dumb so Jack regroups. He calls Nina for an “interrogation profile” … oh man do I have one of those?
• After Nina profile Cofell for Jack, we get down to business. Jack dramatically gets out of the car and preps for interrogation in plain view of Cofell. He takes out his gun and slowly cocks it, removes his jacket, and the rolls up his sleeves while staring Cofell in the eye. Once he starts questioning, Cofell does give up the name Kevin Carroll but he does not admit to any wrongdoing. Jack steps it up by wetting a towel and explaining that he will shove the towel down his throat and then rip it back out tearing his stomach lining in the process. Then Cofell will die a very slow death. Cofell pleads for mercy by showing a picture of his family.
• With his intimidation tactics not working, Jack drives Cofell to his meeting with Kevin Carroll. On the way, Cofell pulls a hidden blade from the armrest.
• Once in the garage, Jack gets in back to continue questioning Cofell. Cofell makes his move with the blade, Jack easily fights him off and hears him speak Serbian which raises a red flag. The beating Jack delivers causes Cofell to have a heart attack (he had a preexisting condition) and die in Jack’s arms.
• Operation Nightfall is said for the first time, when Jack calls Nina about Cofell’s death.
• Jack props dead Cofell up in the limo for his meeting with Kevin Carroll. Kevin Carroll shows up and is in fact the fake Alan York. We got some awesome images during this scene as Jack turns and looks at him through the limo glass. Carroll fires off 4 shots and Jack doesn’t even blink as they hit the glass. Jack drives maniacally before stopping short and slamming Kevin unconscious against the glass. One more interrogation later and Carroll agrees to take him to his family if Jack will let him go.
• Andre Drazen arrives at the Gaines’ compound and orders the Bauers killed and the area cleared. When Eli goes executing, Teri (after being given a gun by Rick) shoots Eli instead.

Ridiculousness:

• From this point on Kim spends the majority of her time worrying about Rick. Her obsession with her kidnapper is disturbing and completely within character. Thankfully Eli beats the shit out of Rick while Kim watches, so she can cry.

Running Totals:

Kim Does Something Stupid: 1 (6)

• When Teri starts having rape pains in her stomach, Kim thinks they should ask the kidnappers for help. Does she even understand the point of being kidnapped?

Jack’s Body Count: 1 (2.5)

• Cofell may have had a heart attack but I’m give Jack the credit.

The Healing Power of Jack Tears: 1 (2)

• Realizing that Cofell was his last lead, Jack cries at the thought that he has failed his family.

Torture Doesn’t Mean You Can’t be Creative: 1

• Jack’s whole wet towel explanation counts as his first, let’s say, advanced level of interrogation.

Day 1: 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Andre Drazen (Zeljko Ivanek): The man who hired Gaines and the first Drazen to hit the screen. Also much like John Hawkes, Ivanek is an awesome character actor.
• Alberta Green (Tamara Tunie): The first in a long line of suits who come into CTU and take over. Points for, maybe, being the most useless.
• Ted Cofell (Currie Graham): The man who is funding Gaines' operation. He will be punished accordingly.

Key Moments:

• Teri calls into CTU then hides the phone to allow Milo to trace it; a trace that may still be going on 8 years later.
• After the trace fails, Tony provides Jack with a lead from Jamey’s emails. The name Ted Cofell.
• Sherry pulls an end around on David by calling Carl and telling him to fix the Keith situation. She is then nervous when Carl says they are handling it. Really? You don’t even have a line to cross, Sherry. Don't grow a conscious on me.
• Everything that happens when Jack goes after Ted Cofell, in this hour and the next hour, is the sequence that solidified me as a 24 fanatic. First Jack just calls Cofell’s office pretending to be an old college buddy to find out whether he is in the office.
• Alberta Green shows up to yell at everyone working at CTU and constantly threaten Nina about her helping Jack. And I have now detailed her entire run on 24 that goes on for next 6 hours.
• Once Jack gets to Cofell’s office, he misses him but pulls the fire alarm to stall the elevator. He then races down the stairs so that he can remove the limo driver and take his place. Cofell gets into his limo that is now being driven by Jack. Great shot of limo driver Jack.

Ridiculousness:

• Are you shitting me Milo? Your attempt to trace Teri’s phone call went on for 45 minutes and you still didn’t get a location! Were you sending men out to trace the phone lines physically? This was 2001 not the 1960s.

Running Totals:

Kim Does Something Stupid?: 1 (5)

• After knowing her mother was just raped and then their desperate phone call failed, Kim demands that her mother explain why she separated from Jack. You’re level of self-centeredness is immeasurable.

Day 1: 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

Another hour with no new faces worth spending any words on.

Key Moments:

• First Jack attempts to plead his case to the agents who arrested him, when that doesn’t work Jack uses all the crazy steam pipes to make his escape. He carjacks a station wagon, obviously, and kidnappers the nice lady.
• Mike Novick says the name Jack Bauer to David and Palmer recognizes it but cannot remember from where.
• Eli has a little time on his hands so he looks to Kim for a bit of rape. Teri takes the, uh, bullet for Kim.
• Thankfully we don’t watch the rape happen, but Teri does swipe Eli’s phone during their time together.
• Finally after an hour of dawdling, Tony and Nina get down to some real 24-style interrogation of Jamey. They threaten to drag Jamey’s son into CTU just so he can see his mother in handcuffs. This breaks Jamey.
• When Nina and Tony go back to see if Jamey is ready to talk, they find her in a pool of her own blood with her wrists slit by a broken coffee mug. You can stop holding your breath, it was not Tony's Cubs mug.

Ridiculousness:

• While a holding a woman hostage, Jack FALLS ASLEEP! Are you kidding me Jack? First you’re out of breath running up stairs and now after 8 hours you fall asleep? He really must not get the Super Soldier Serum till after Day 1.

Running Totals:

Jack Loves America Not Americans: 1 (3)

• When making his escape from custody, Jack opens up all the steam valves. This had to lead to third degree burns on at least 2 agents.

Day 1: 7:00 AM - 8:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

No one new and important shows up this hour.

Key Moments:

• When Nina calls CTU, she tells Tony to get her Jamey but when Tony hears here lie about Nina’s whereabouts he knows she is the mole. When Nina secretly arrives back at CTU, Tony and Nina lay a trap for Jamey that, thankfully, includes crazy big cell phone headsets.
• After Jamey is caught, Nina and Tony start in on a little 24 Day 1 interrogation of Jamey. This means they talk really loud and bang the wall to punctuate their point … this is either tame or I've been desensitized. Of course without putting her in danger, Jamey does not crack.
• Teri is thrown into the shed with Kim. Family reunion!
• Gaines has Jack pick up a briefcase, which he then sneaks into the Palmer event. Jack meets the fake photographer in a medical station where Jack assembles the gun for him so Jack’s prints will be on the gun.
• Against Nina's wishes, Tony warns Secret Service about Jack. When Palmer starts his speech, a secret service agent sees Jack and then all hell breaks lose. Jack goes for the agent's gun, which automatically gets Palmer lead offstage. Jack saves Palmer, Gaines flips out and orders Teri and Kim shot, but Jamey relents and sends Gaines a message covering Jack’s arrest. No bullets in the head for the Bauer women.

Ridiculousness:

• The overly serious Jack Bauer voiceover to start the episode giving the quickest of the quick summary of the series is introduced for the first time.
• The entire Palmer family has turned on him because he had the audacity to find out about their 7-year murder cover-up. What the hell is wrong with you David?!?!

Running Totals:

Jack and Tony are Friends?: 1 (3)

• Tony does not trust Jack and rats him out to Secret Service. Boo Tony boo! Always trust in Jack.

Day 1: 6:00 AM - 7:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Eli (Silas Weir Mitchell): New thug working for Gaines who’s main role is to harass the Bauers.

Key Moments:

• Gaines orders Jack to switch the keycard Milo is about to crack, get himself into Palmer’s morning event, and once Nina catches on Gaines tells Jack to deal with her.
• Here is another classic Bauer reaction; he pulls a gun on Nina, throws a CTU jacket, walks her out of CTU, drives her to a construction site, shoots her twice in the chest, and kicks her down the hill. This was mind-blowing at the time. He shot Nina!
• Teri runs from fake Alan York, doubles back, knocks him out with a rock, and ties him to a tree. She eventually calls CTU for help leaving her location with Jamey. When suited men show up instead of helping, they re-kidnap her. Damn you Jamey!
• The hours ends with Tony realizing Jack put a bulletproof jacket on Nina before they left CTU. Cut to Nina rising from the dead and dusting herself off. If you ever run into Jack Bauer, realize that he is smarter than you and act accordingly.

Ridiculousness:

• Keith gives David the television classic “you were never there for me!” which, I believe, is supposed to explain why he killed a guy?

Running Totals:

Mole: 1 (3)

• Tiny little Jamey is a traitorous whore! I may be extrapolating the whore part.

Day 1: 5:00 AM - 6:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Mike Novick (Jude Ciccolella): David’s chief of staff and his voice of reason. I heart Mike Novick.
• Milo Pressman (Eric Balfour): CTU independent contractor who is brought in because Jamey sucks at her job.

Key Moments:

• Another Palmer and Carl confrontation leads to David firing Carl due to his hatred of cover-ups. Carl leaves David with the information that Sherry knew everything.
• David moves on to confronting Sherry and for the first time we get to see the steel spined Sherry appear for the first time. David is hit with the knowledge that his entire family hid this from him.
• Finally thinking straight, David meets with Mike Novick for the first time. Mike tells him to get out in front of the story … family be damned.
• Jack arrives at the hospital where Janet is being operated on. He gets a few moments with Teri before Gaines calls him. Gaines orders Jack out of the hospital, proves he is holding Kim, and then tells Jack to head to CTU.
• Janet is saved by the surgeons but when her dad comes to talk to her, she freaks out which would be a problem but fake Alan York only came in the room to kill her anyway. Problem solved.
• The body Jack found with Penticoff was the real Alan York who is now driving around with Teri looking for Kim. Teri calls Nina telling her this which will definitely lead to good decisions.

Ridiculousness:

• When Gaines calls Jack, Jack stares straight at Teri and slowly walks backward for about 5 minutes… Teri thinks nothing of this. Then again she is her daughter’s mother.

Running Totals:

Nothing again! 2 weeks in a row, the first season does not know how to fall back on clichés.

Day 1: 4:00 AM - 5:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Maureen Kinglsey (Devika Parikh): The reporter pursuing the Palmer story.

Key Moments:

• Jack does whatever it takes to have a conversation with Penticoff. He argues with cops, he argues with Mason, when he finally gets in the same room with Penticoff he whispers something in his ear then shoves something in his mouth after they get into a fight, that something was his cell number so Penticoff uses his phone call to talk to Jack, he tells Jack to break him out, Jack instigates a fight with Penticoff and a cop so he can lift the key card from the cop and give it to Penticoff, they meet up outside of jail and head to pay phone, Gaines calls Penticoff, Jack gets a dead body, Penticoff gets arrested, and Mason lets Jack continue his investigation. That is in no way a run-on sentence.
• Palmer meets with Kingsley and stares her down until she reveals Keith's therapist as her source and another document that shows Keith checked himself into a hospital the night the rapist died.
• When Gaines finds out that Janet is still alive, he kills Dan to teach him a lesson. Rick gets promoted to lead kidnapper; hopefully that comes with a 401K and maybe even profit sharing.

Ridiculousness:

• Teri yells at Jack for not caring enough about his family … don’t you dare question how much Jack cares. He cares so much that he will kill you to make you understand.

Running Totals:

NOTHING! No 24 cliches to report mainly because Kim was in a trunk for most of the episode so I couldn’t question her actions but don’t worry she will have plenty of time to make up for this hour.

Day 1: 3:00 AM - 4:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Greg Penticoff (John Hawkes): The unnamed suspect that Jack chases. And holy shit John Hawkes! The first of many sweet character actors who show up in non-starring 24 roles.

Key Moments:

• Jamey finds an address off the keycard and Jack immediately gets out of CTU one way or another and by another I mean gut-punching the agent guarding the door. The address leads Jack into a chase after a suspect, a random cop getting in the way, and then that cop getting killed when Jack takes the guy down. Before he is hauled away by the police, the man tells Jack he knows about his daughter.
• After Tony ratted out to Division about not trusting Jack, George Mason arrives to shut CTU down until Jack is found and then he promptly leaves CTU once Jack shows up.
• Carl finds out that the allegation is coming from Keith’s therapist. David wants the truth; Sherry wants the world to mind it’s business.
• Gaines meets up with Rick and Dan to, finally, add some professionalism to this kidnapping.

Ridiculousness:

• A random janitor is introduced during Jack’s chase so that the cop can speak Spanish allowing Jack to use Spanish to talk to her in the showdown with Penticoff. This would have been cooler if Jack’s plan didn’t end with the cop dead from Penticoff’s bullet.

Running Totals:

Cubs Mug: 1 (2)

• Tony actually takes a drink from it this time.

Jack Loves America Not Americans: 1 (2)

• Jack’s drops the agent guarding the door when he makes his escape from CTU.

Kim Does Something Stupid: 1 (4)

• Kim believes that as the person being kidnapped she can demand that the kidnappers go back and help her friend. Then she gets horrified when Dan agrees to go back in order to put a bullet in Janet.

Day 1: 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Carl Webb (Zach Grenier): David Palmer’s fixer.

Key Moments:

• Jack sneaks back into CTU in order to enlist Jamey’s help in confirming if Nina is dirty. Jamey is able to trace the keycard to Nina’s computer.
• The allegation is revealed to be that Keith is murderer. 7 years ago Nicole was raped and Keith threw the rapist off a bridge. So a chivalrous murderer.
• Gaines gets the photographer's id, Bridget gets a bullet, and Mandy gets a summer job.
• Nina is cleared because the date when the card was used was the same time she and Jack were having relations in Santa Barbara.
• While Kim finally calls her mom, a car hits Janet and Rick and Dan recapture Kim. Janet the Bionic Woman does not die by violent collision with a car.

Ridiculousness:

• Holy crap they brought back the CGI satellite!
• Janet’s in pain from some violence delivered by Dan, Kim wants her kidnappers to do something about it, Dan’s answer is heroin.
• Palmer runs into some street toughs in a parking garage. He attempts to after school special them but ends up with his back window smashed. Oh and a presidential candidate hung out in a sketchy garage without secret service protection for over a half hour until Carl shows up.

Running Totals:

Kim Does Something Stupid: 1 (3)

• Kim makes a break for it dragging Janet with her even though she has a broken arm and is high on heroin. This escape attempt leads to Kim bargaining with the same creepy bum for help twice. Then taking the cell phone of some gangster looking dude in the alley.

Who Are You Working For?!: 3

• Jack confronts Nina about her being the mole and gets to say the phrase 3 times in a row.

Mandy the Super Terrorist: 1 (3)

• Mandy has Gaines give Bridget the extra million electronically so she’ll take them to the id. Once the card is given to Gaines, fake Belkin takes her out while still holding Mandy’s hand. Mandy then takes Gaines up on his offer for a job next summer because that's what a professional does.

Day 1: 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM

Characters Introduced:

• Ira Gaines (Michael Massee): The first man pulling the terrorist strings.
• Bridget (Kim Murphy): Mandy’s partner in more ways than one.
• Keith Palmer (Vicellous Shannon): The clichéd angry son.
• Nicole Palmer (Megalyn Echikunwoke): The clichéd child who stays in the background.
• Aaron Pierce (Glen Morshower): Always serious always awesome Secret Service man.

Key Moments:

• Walsh meets a contact with info on the Palmer hit and, of course, once he gets the key card and the man agrees to stick around for one more day the contact is immediately shot and killed.
• Bridget decides to blackmail Gaines for another million dollars without consulting Mandy or, better yet, without consulting sanity.
• Jack is unable to save Walsh due to him being shot about 6 times, but he does get the key card and is told not to trust anyone … like Jack needs to be told that.
• Rick and Dan’s kidnapping of Kim is being done for Gaines.
• The key card is traced back to Nina.

Ridiculousness:

• For your information CTU is not a backwoods power station no matter what it looks like from the outside.
• Jack is out of breath after running up a few flights of stairs. He must not have been injected with the Super Soldier serum yet.
• Jack’s CTU vehicle has the futuristic ability to read a key card.

Running Totals:

Jack and Tony are Friends?: 1 (2)

• Tony demands answers from Jack, which Jack completely ignores.

Mole: 1 (2)

• The key card identifies Nina as the mole.

Mandy the Super Terrorist: 1 (2)

• Mandy sits, what appears to be naked, in front of a fire while waiting for her ride. She later has a topless conversation with the guy posing as Martin Belkin for no reason other than she is Mandy.

Cubs Mug: 1

• Tony is holding it while giving the CTU stare.

Battlefield Medic: 1

• Jack field dresses Walsh’s bullet wound with his tie.

Jack’s Body Count: 1.5

• Jack definitely kills 1 shooter while he and Walsh take out the other at the same time.

Jack the Butcher: 1

• In order to identify the dead shooter, naturally, Jack cuts off his thumb.

The Healing Power of Jack Tears: 1

• While racing away from the building, Jack cries over Walsh’ death.

Day 1: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

Here we go with the first ever hour of 24. Now I have to figure out a format for this since I do have 192 hours of show to get through! I don’t want to get bogged down in the plot details; this is more about detailing the awesome and the ridiculous that was aired on a weekly basis.

For now let’s go with 4 sections:

• Characters Introduced so everyone gets at least 1 mention along the way.
• Key Moments so at least the storyline basics are there.
• Ridiculousness because that’s half the fun.
• Running Totals so that years from now when I die without finishing this there can be a rough estimate on how many times Jack’s choked someone out.

Characters Introduced (listed in the order they show up, plus this should get easier after the first episode):

• Richard Walsh (Michael O’Neill): Someone needs to put Jack into action.
• David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert): Just a slightly charismatic presidential candidate for now.
• Sherry Palmer (Penny Johnson): Supportive wife … for now.
• Patty Brooks (Tanya Wright): Palmer’s lead aide who is always hovering around when Palmer is doing stuff.
• Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland): Loving dad, trying to fix some sort of martial issue, constantly being dragged back to work.
• Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert): Love’s dad; hate’s mom. Let’s leave it at that since I will have plenty of time to insult her until I run that well dry.
• Teri Bauer (Leslie Hope): Jack’s wife who immediately does what she is good at complain and worry.
• Janet York (Jacqui Maxwell): Kim’s even dumber friend who’s stupidity makes Kim seem sensible.
• Nina Myers (Sarah Clarke): Constantly influencing everyone in CTU to get what she needs done.
• Jamey Farrell (Karina Arroyave): Ridiculous bangs and pigtails and god knows what else is living on the top of her head. Oh yeah and some sort of CTU tech.
• Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard): Putting his main skill to use … brooding. Also the inventor of the CTU stare that lived on through anyone else that worked there.
• Rick (Daniel Bess): Sketchy dude Kim is meeting up with.
• Dan (Matthew Carey): Other sketchy dude.
• Martin Belkin (Rudolf Martin): Creepy red herring photographer.
• Mandy (Mia Kirshner): Badass chick.
• George Mason (Xander Berkeley): Political stooge that is standing in Jack’s way.
• Alan York (Richard Burgi): Guy that calls Teri and claims to be Janet’s father.

Key Moments:

• There is a hit on David Palmer that, of course, was found in Kuala Lumpur.
• Jack hints at sex with Teri, sex he will not have in an episode until 8 seasons later.
• Kim sneaks out.
• Walsh needs Jack to find the mole in the government agencies something that Jack has done in the past. I can’t believe it is that easy to be a double agent in a government agency.
• When Mason doesn’t play ball with Jack, Jack responds by shooting him with a tranquilizer dart then choking him out or what could also be known as Plan A.
• It is revealed that Nina is screwing Tony and it is hinted that she slept with Jack.
• Palmer gets angry over an unknown allegation then proceeds to shut Sherry out to brood on his own.
• Jack literally defines his character for the history of the show in one speech to Nina … Jack doesn’t compromise ever. He does the right thing no matter what the consequences.
• Realizing her parents are looking for her, instead of going home Kim continues to party with the creepy guys she just met.
• Mandy proves her skills by drugging a flight attendant, swiping the photographer’s id badge, fakes being drunk to retrieve her luggage, lines the door with explosives, gets in a flight suit and parachute, sets an explosive in the middle of the plane, blows the door and parachutes to safety 3 seconds before the plane blows up.
• Jack can’t go home once he finds out that a plane blew up. Country before family.

Ridiculousness:

• Real bad CGI of a satellite in orbit that will never be used again.
• Kim meets up with guys to break into a furniture store to get their drink on.
• CTU seems to be run by 4 people at this point in time.
• Kim is too damn dumb to hide her stash of weed from her parents.
• Tony was a CTU hacker? He proves how bad he is at this when it takes a half hour for him to break into a banking database.
• On the other hand Jack can’t even crack his own daughter’s login.

Running Totals:

Kim Does Something Stupid: 2

• She sneaks out of the house at midnight.
• She continues to hang with sketchy dudes instead of going home when she realizes her mother has been looking for her.

Jack and Tony are Friends?: 1

• Tony doesn’t think they should look into David Palmer until they have proof.

Mole: 1

• Walsh sets Jack into motion to find the first mole.

Jack Loves America Not Americans: 1

• Knocks out George Mason

Jack’s Million Dollar Dream: 1

• Jack v. Mason

Mandy the Super Terrorist: 1

• The whole plane sequence

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

So this is the type of summer it’s going to be, huh? You can’t even do me the favor of making awful big budget movies. Instead I get movies like Price of Persia: The Sands of Time, which is harmless and forgettable. Hooray … wait … what did I just see?

The main thing I took out of Prince of Persia is that I wish this were an R-rated Assassin’s Creed movie. If you are going to make a video game into a movie at least give me one that glorifies sudden death by knives. The best parts of this movie were when Dastan was parkouring through the villages. I was okay with it until they literally copied the Assassin’s Creed panoramic viewpoint shot when he stood at the edge of a rooftop. Maybe one day the right game will be adapted and it will disappoint me in some other astonishing way.

Finally, someone had the guts to cast Jake Gyllenhaal as a summer movie action hero. And in another shock he got the job done. He may have fallen into the more sarcastic side of hero but it was nothing too annoying. Action hero doesn’t really need much more than a look so good on Jake for working out like a madman. Gemma Arterton is supposed to be a Persian princess? Wait a second everyone is American or British! Did Persia move since the last time I looked at a historical map? Ah well; if that is what it takes to get Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina to class up a video game adaptation I understand. Come on … Ben Kingsley!

There is not much else to say about Prince of Persia. If you’ve seen any popcorn movies in your life, you could call out the scenes before they happened. And I’m unsure if a movie with The Sands of Time in the title makes the ending acceptable. Because if not, that was a whole lot of time spent on nothing.

6 out of 10

MacGruber

Yeah … I saw MacGruber. I’m not entirely sure why either. And the fact that I laughed many times confuses me. This should have been one of the all time worst movies yet it wasn’t. Was MacGruber actually good? Is that possible?

I’m unsure why of all the current Saturday Night Live sketches MacGruber was given the nod. And since it made single digit millions it’s clear that no one was asking for it. Yet if you stumble across it, don’t run away screaming. There is some dark dark humor to be found in there. MacGruber's obsession with the license plate number of a guy who pissed him off, his pleading to get Ryan Phillippe on his team, and the climatic scene that was the movie version of the actual skit it was based on were all highlights. Then again there were just as many parts that were so twisted I’m not sure if they still qualify as funny. This included a lot of Will Forte ass including multiple sex scenes that defy description. I think the balance came out on the funny side of the margin but it was close.

This is Will Forte’s character so he definitely took advantage of the R-rating to provide more depth to MacGruber. Mainly he made him a complete prick. Hopefully Kristen Wiig will get better roles down the road but she shined where she could. She had a couple great scenes where she would answer in such a quiet voice that it was automatically funny. Now the non-SNL folks were Ryan Phillippe, Val Kilmer, and Powers Boothe and who doesn’t want more Powers in their cinema? Phillippe was a solid straight man to Forte, while big fat Kilmer just went all out as the bad guy. Good for them for trying!

So MacGruber has come and gone and the world did not care. I guess I could have saved the 10 bucks but what's done is done.

5 out of 10

Robin Hood

Just wow. In a world where Robin Hood is called something else, is not marketed in anyway as a Robin Hood story, and a few of the more random aspects of the film are fixed, this could have been another solid Ridley Scott epic. Sadly none of those things happened, and the movie that I saw is one of the bigger disappointments I’ve seen in recent memory.

Much like Kingdom of Heaven, even when Ridley Scott swings and misses the movies is not a piece of shit. There is plenty to like within Robin Hood. The initial castle siege scenes were phenomenal if pointless in the grand scheme of things. In fact all of the action beats were worthy of anything Ridley has done until the climatic battle that included too many dumbass moments to ignore. Fine I can’t let it go … halfway through the film there is a scene where Robin dons a hood and robs a caravan of grain and it was awesome and that was it. No more Robin Hood the rest of the movie. Lies!

If I could grade a movie literally by looking at the cast, Robin Hood would have been an immediate 10 out of 10. Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt, Max von Sydow, and a quick cameo by Danny Huston are more than I could ever ask for. Everyone takes advantage of the opportunity to mess around in an epic movie. Strong even got to Joker his face up and look even more menacing. The only humor in the film was provided by the merry men, Kevin Durand, Scott Grimes, Alan Doyle, and Mark Addy, who where never named so but they did act merry. I have no beef with the performances; in fact I would agree today to see the second movie in this story just on the strength of the cast.

It’s hard to get across my annoyance with Robin Hood. This was not a bad movie; it was just a complete misrepresentation. Maybe if the word origin or birth was in the title I wouldn’t have felt hoodwinked. But even with that this would have been like Spider-Man ending with Peter Parker getting bitten by the radioactive spider. And since it was a box office failure, I don’t think the wrongs will get to be righted in a future sequel.

7 out of 10

Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2 has perplexed me for the last 3 weeks. I just don’t know what to rate it. Although there are no glaring flaws that I want to complain about, it doesn’t feel like Iron Man, Spider-Man 2, X2, or The Dark Knight. Can knock a movie for not feeling right?

If there is one obvious note to take from the second Iron Man movie is that there has never been a more pitch perfect comic book casting than Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. It may be as much Downey acting like himself but that energy fits the character of Stark. Can comics be transitioned to books on tape so he can read me all the issues of Iron Man? I recognize that it takes a long time to film a movie but I don’t want to go that long without more of Downey as Stark.

Downey may overshadow everyone else in Iron Man 2 but that doesn’t mean that there weren’t any other casting highlights. There may be bigger names and more important characters but I’m starting with Sam Rockwell because he is awesome. If it were up to me, Justin Hammer dancing on stage of the Stark Expo would have actually been the third Iron Man movie or at least the real Step Up 3-D. And if I’m going with Justin Hammer dancing, then I would team that with Natasha Romanoff walking since there were multiple scenes that seemed to linger on Scarlett Johansson even when she wasn’t speaking … weird. Another key part of Iron Man 2 was confirming that Sam Jackson’s take on Nick Fury works and is something to look forward to for the multiple Marvel movies down the road. I did enjoy Mickey Rourke being big scary Russian ex-con who actually stays in the lab and builds stuff. Nice twist even if Whiplash is not Russian and Ivan Denko is actually Crimson Dynamo and that is about enough of that. Finally, John Slattery as Howard Stark was phenomenal casting. He may just look the part after years of Mad Men but he was perfect as Tony’s dad.

There were a handful of topnotch action scenes throughout Iron Man 2. The Monaco fight with Whiplash was the clear highlight. You had Whiplash in full glory along with Tony using the suitcase armor, which was a sweet moment. I was also a big fan of Black Widow tearing through a hallway of Hammer security goons. That could have gone on for hours and hours and I would have been satisfied. Although there may have only been a few quick shots but seeing War Machine in action it was definitely badass. That being said; just like the first Iron Man movie the best parts are not when he is in the suit.

It’s a month later and still don’t have a solid opinion of Iron Man 2. When the credits rolled … and rolled and rolled and rolled until a hammer showed up and I got to say Mjolnir out loud … I was ready to give it a perfect score and be done with it. But I no longer am comfortable with that and I can’t point to a specific reason. Who the hell knows what goes on inside my brain?

9 out of 10

The Losers

We are getting 3 versions of the same movie this year and I have absolutely no issue with that. The Losers clocks in first in the badass mercenaries genre and sets the bar quite high for The A-Team and The Expendables later this summer. No one may end up seeing it but that is their loss.

The Losers is another in what seems like an unending line of variable quality comic book adaptations. Like many of the others, this was one of the better stories in the past decade so at least the source material was of high quality. The movie only uses the first book in the series so some of the stranger plot twists don’t have to be dealt with. The key point is that none of the characters are significantly altered in any way in fact most of them are damn close to the book.

The standout performance, in a nice foreshadowing for the future, was by Chris Evans. The future Captain America dominated every single second of his screen time. Jensen may have been the comic relief but Evans just went all out. The “Don’t Stop Believing” scene is quite simply the greatest use of Journey in movie history. Coming in right behind Evans is Columbus Short as Pooch. Pooch is one of the only noticeable changes made and that is just the common Hollywood idea of taking a character who is much older and turning him into a young man. No matter, Short has turned into a dependable actor since that masterpiece Stomp the Yard. And of course there was Stringer. Ah Idris Elba you will forever have a free pass to show up in whatever you damn well please. And once again Zoe Saldana is ridiculously hot.

When I turn my brain off, The Losers is exactly the type of movie that I want to see. Slick action, great characters, and constant hilarious one-liners. Please make some money so they might make more?

9 out of 10

Kick-Ass

So after a long wait Kick-Ass was finally released to the world and it was damn near exactly as I expected. Luckily I had extremely high expectations and was gifted with a movie that I will watch every single time it shows up on cable. There were points where I thought this may have been the perfect action movie … it wasn’t but there were moments.

No more shying away from the most important part of Kick-Ass, Chloe Moretz is this movie pure and simple. Once Hit Girl is introduced it became a game of waiting until she was onscreen again. Every single second was a highlight reel. From Big Daddy shooting her to show her what feels like, to all of the hilariously inappropriate profanity, to the 25+ bodies she racks up. Her fight scenes have already earned their place in my all-time favorites. They even accomplished making the first person perspective video game look work for one of the scenes. I wouldn’t want a whole movie in that style but for a couple of minutes it was fun. I'm not saying she should get the Best Supporting Actress but her name should be thrown into the discussion.

There were no bad performances here. Aaron Johnson was able to make Kick-Ass believable, while Nic Cage went the other way and made Big Daddy damn near insane. He shifted from this really goofy loving dad into a fricking Adam West impersonation when in costume. Mark Strong was his usual standout self by mixing actual menace with some great moments of humor. McLovin is McLovin and he excels at it. One of the minor characters who deserves mention is Clark Duke. He improved every scene he was in just be giving a look.

Matthew Vaughn only has three movies to his credit but that is all it has taken for me to want as the director of any movie I am looking forward to. His choices for Kick-Ass were damn near perfect. He was able to keep the tone serious enough that the whole thing never became ridiculous but it was still constantly funny. And all of the soundtrack choices were phenomenal, they just enhanced the awesomeness of Hit Girl in action. I can't see what he moves onto next.

If it weren't for the jetpack, I may have thought about giving Kick-Ass a perfect score. No worries though, it got the job done. I do feel bad for people that can't get past what Hit Girl does in the movie. From everything I've been able find out, this actually isn't real and Chloe Moretz only killed about 3 people on set.

9 out of 10

Clash of the Titans

Screw you Hollywood! Within 30 days you have completely destroyed any desire I had to see movies in the third dimension. I will pay whatever it costs to see movies in the theater because I love it so, but this naked cash grab is so offensive that I might have to now boycott future movies if I can’t see them on regular screens. That is just the long way of saying that Clash of the Titans had nothing to offer me but a pain on the bridge of my nose when I finally took the glasses off.

Hey I like monsters and I like Greek mythology but sometimes that is not enough to sustain my interest. Believe me, I’ve seen cheaper looking movies so it wasn’t that the Kraken looked lame or the giant scorpions were laughable instead it just felt unnecessary. Nothing new was brought to the table, you knew who was going to die, you knew when they were going to die, and you knew the final outcome before the story even got in gear. And that is not because of Harry Hamlin because I don’t even remember the original Clash of the Titans. Worse of all, you can’t botch the final confrontation because it skews the whole movie and that is exactly what happened here. Everything was building to Perseus’ battle with Hades and when it finally happened it was over before it even started.

What a waste of Liam Neeson, Ralph Fienes, and Mads Mikkelsen time. Liam stood around in his blurry armor and spoke in his Narnia god-voice. That’s it. Voldemort is easily the better Ralph Fiennes super villain. And this is the best Hollywood role Mads could get after being a Bond villain? I have nothing bad to say about Sam Worthington he is completely serviceable as the everyman blockbuster movie actor. Nobody else worth mentioning.

Oh wait a second, what month is it? April? That is why Clash of the Titans, a movie that should have been a big summer blockbuster, was a complete waste of time. Still got my 3 extra bucks though...

5 out of 10

Repo Men

Can I just grade Repo Men based on the trailer? Even after all this time, a slick trailer that shows only the cool shit can easily sway me. Well then I saw the movie and it doesn’t hold up at all. I feel conned.

I’m not sure what I was expecting from Repo Men, but I’m fairly certain I didn’t get it. The action was slick even if they stole the hallway fight scene from Old Boy. Badass Jude Law and Forest Whitaker were amusing. Live Schreiber had an amusing accent and RZA had a sweet afro. But the big plot twist was more annoying than a revelation and the whole movie does not hold up to a closer inspection. I get that it is one those let’s show how shitty our world is by taking things to the extreme in the future movies, and I’m sure that’s the exact name of the genre, but it was not enough. They jumped straight to their big idea of repossessing artificial organs instead of making sure the whole thing made any sense. To get really nitpicky Remy loses his heart in the line of duty but he still has to pay for the artificial heart? Did the rights of employees disappear in this weird future? Where was the repo men union when he needed them?

The goriness of Repo Men became downright hilarious by the climatic scene. I know I’m supposed to chalk everything up to the idea that it’s the future! Shut up and believe what you are seeing! But they are just cutting bodies and reaching their whole arm into people innards. This is the accepted practice? Where is the anesthetic? Are those tools clean? No one survives what happens in that final scene.

Ah well, not all movies get the job done. Repo Men had a bunch of people I love seeing in film, but was not able to give them anything worthwhile to do with their skills. Maybe the next dystopian future will be better.

6 out of 10

Brooklyn's Finest

Well, what would you do if every movie you make since Training Day was a different level of failure? Brooklyn’s Finest is Antoine Fuqua’s return to the world of dirty cops; he ups the ante by having three of them this time around. Yet I don’t see Denzel anywhere and without his sheer force of will, the movie has no way to distinguish itself from every other corrupt cop story.

Maybe following three different cops going down three different roads to corruption was not the best way to spend a couple of hours. Brooklyn’s Finest ended up being a damn depressive movie. It went beyond the deaths of major characters; all the choices being made were so brutal that it was shocking that anyone survived when the credits rolled. Because of how dark the storylines were, the deaths of each major character were not shocking in the slightest. Instead it was just another sigh and shake of the head. I’m unsure why Ellen Barkin’s character had to be such a caricature of a bitch, or why Ethan Hawke needed sooooo much money for a down payment on a house (was he trying to buy 50 Cent’s house in Farmington?), or why Richard Gere was so suicidal, but all it did was foreshadow every character’s downfall.

Even with the weakness of the tone of the film, Brooklyn’s Finest had many actors doing some fine work. It’s always nice to see Don Cheadle in the forefront of a film. He definitely had the standout performance as the undercover cop who just can’t get out. Plus he got to work opposite the best Wesley Snipes role in over a decade. I get that Snipes still thinks he is an A-list action star but it was nice to see him show up as an actual character in a legit movie for once. The same thing I wrote about Ethan Hawke in Daybreakers can be said here; he always is playing another version of tortured. Ellen Barkin looks weird.

I usually really love movies like Brooklyn's Finest but something was off this time around. The whole thing never really came together and the depressing darkness just colored the whole damn movie.

7 out of 10

Green Zone

Awww … can’t I just get another Bourne movie? Green Zone was in no way a bad movie but it was just another combat in the Middle East story. It looked and felt like a Bourne movie with a weak plot and an agenda. No matter how hard they try, these movies always feel like I’m being preached to.

There were positives to Green Zone. The casting alone made this movie worthwhile. Matt Damon fits right in to these roles as the righteous man trying to expose injustice. I compared this to Bourne but outside of the similar skill sets, Miller was much more of a soldier who actually spoke in full sentences and got his ass kicked from time to time. The other major characters were all populated with talented actors like Brendan Gleeson, Amy Ryan, Greg Kinnear, and Jason Isaacs. Isaacs even grew a sweet fu manchu mustache for the occasion … thank you for that. Along with the cast, Greengrass’s style is perfect for whenever action gets frantic. And since the majority of Green Zone is Damon chasing after someone, the movie just flies by.

If you can just turn you mind off and just enjoy the ride, Green Zone is a solid wartime action movie. But if you want to be engrossed in the plot, look elsewhere. None of the revelations were strong, the identity of Magellan was obvious, Kinnear’s shady government bureaucrat was nothing more than the standard shady government bureaucrat, and worse of all the shock at the climax was telegraphed to the point where I just wanted it to happen so we could move on. On top of all that is just my general unease with sitting there and getting taught about the evils of American actions in the Middle East. Can we at least wait until this is a historical event and not a current event?

Green Zone was a completely serviceable soldiers in action movie. But when it's Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass it should be more than that. Well, that's why some movies come out in March.

7 out of 10

Alice in Wonderland

From this point forward, I’m gonna need a new sliding scale when rating 3D movies. Unless the 3D actually enhances the experience, when I get robbed for an extra three bucks, these movies will automatically get docked a point. At normal price Alice in Wonderland would have been one of the better Tim Burton films but they mugged me for a few extra bucks and this is my only payback.

It would probably have helped if I had read the book somewhere in the last couple of decades but I have not so any changes made to the plot flew right over my head. In fact, the whole point was that Alice was much older and everything had changed and blah blah blah. So it was supposed to be a where are they now and look at the destruction caused by the Red Queen sequel. All very amusing if the story of Alice in Wonderland is not some sort of sacred text to you.

This was a Tim Burton movie so of course there was Johnny Depp. Now it would have been difficult, but not impossible, for Johnny to portray Alice. Instead he gets the other iconic role of the Mad Hatter which is just exactly as it should be. What I’m saying is that this was in no way a stretch. Still fun to watch him create something weird. Part two; this was a Tim Burton movie so of course there was Helena Bonham Carter. She may have even outweirded Johnny in this one. Her Red Queen was the highlight of the movie, just pure insanity. Mia Wasikowska was fine as Alice but aging her to late teens took away some of the fun of having the young girl experiencing such a strange world. Good voice work from Stephen Fry, Alan Rickman, and others rounded out the performances.

Let's just finish by saying that the 3D effects were pointless. I don't remember a single scene that was improved by being brought to me in the third dimension. This new Hollywood cash grab is fricking offensive.

8 out of 10