Inglorious Bas ... not yet

For some reason, I can't write a review for Inglorious Basterds. This sucks. I never reviewed The Dark Knight last year and now I have a weak-ass half-written Tarantino review that I can't stand looking at. This needs to be rectified.

Halloween II

I don’t want to write this at all. So, I saw Halloween II and then the credits rolled and I walked out the theater. There is nothing to highlight here.

After The Devil’s Rejects, I was looking forward to what Rob Zombie was going to next. Not so much after Halloween and Halloween II. Not only was this over-the-top violent, it was also boring and pretentious. It just dragged along with momentary breaks of Michael Myers murdering someone in a dream or in the real world or both ... I don't really know. There was some ridiculous explanation for his behavior involving a white horse and his mom. Why that meant murder everyone you meet? I can't really answer that. And since that was the point of the move, I would prefer not that think about it ever again.

So I won't. Halloween II was awful and thankfully it shall never bother me again.

3 out of 10

Extract

Like anybody who breathes air, I’m a big fan of Office Space and have high hopes whenever Mike Judge puts out a new movie. Somehow Extract actually came pretty damn close to Office Space. It could just be the power of Jason Bateman but whatever the reason, Extract was well worth the price of admission.

Not to keep bringing up Office Space, but when Mike Judge creates another workplace comedy what the hell else am I supposed to compare it to? This time we got to see the ridiculousness from the management’s point of view. Bateman nailed the owner just trying to deal with the craziness of his employees. Then there was the always awesome JK Simmons as Bateman’s right-hand man who doesn’t even take the time to remember the worker’s names. The workers on the floor were a nice variety of the various wackjobs that populate a factory. Good stuff.

Even though the factory storyline was great, the best parts of the movie were when Bateman was interacting with Kristen Wiig, his wife, or Ben Affleck, his buddy. If Wiig doesn’t end up with one of the better careers for a SNL cast member I will be very disappointed. As for Affleck, just the hair was enough but I have always liked goofy Affleck. And this was probably the goofiest Affleck has ever been. On top of that, just by the mere presence of Bateman, David Koechner and Mila Kunis seemed really funny. He is amazing.

If I haven't been clear yet, see Extract just for Jason Bateman. If you need more that that, screw you Communist.

8 out of 10

Whiteout

Sometimes the worse thing that a movie can be is completely ordinary. The comic book version of Whiteout was a tight murder mystery in a beautiful artistic setting; the movie is a by-the-numbers mystery that barely takes advantage of the snowy setting. But, hey look over there, Kate Beckinsale.

The initial hook for Whiteout is that it takes place in Antarctica hence the name whiteout. So, at worst, I thought that it would at least deliver some pretty scenery and some cool zero visibility scenes. That would be a no to both of those expectations. In fact the big fight in the middle of a whiteout was such a disappointment that it ruined any tension the movie had going. They did nail the frostbite amputation but that could just be how easy I’m horrified by finger mutilation. Still even when they were saying how dangerously cold it was outside, it never showed up onscreen and that was a big problem.

I can’t really find fault in the casting of Kate Beckinsale. It was amusing that they kept the shower scene so they could begin the movie with Kate stripping off her layers and hopping into the glass shower. Come on, there is nothing wrong with being obvious. Actually, the cast was not the problem. It was nice to see Tom Skerritt as the doctor and Columbus Short as the pilot; they were both great in their roles. The problem was that there was no tension in the story, everything played out exactly as you thought it would. Ah well, the comic is still there.

Looking back, me and the other 9 people in the theater may have been the only ones who paid to see Whiteout. Who thought dumping a movie with no advertising in the middle of September would lead to shitastic box office?

5 out of 10

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer’s Body was one of those movies that 12 months ago I was excited about, but by the time it hit the theaters I had lost all interest. By now when September rolls around all new movies seem flawed and are bound to disappoint. Still Jennifer’s Body was not that bad based completely on your desire to hear more of Diablo Cody’s dialogue.

Obviously when this movie was being put together everyone thought putting Megan Fox’s name on the top of the marquee was all they needed to do to guarantee box office. That was not the case. Could it be the lack of talent or the fact that all stories this summer have made her seem insane or, maybe, why pay to see her not naked? Who cares? Although it was amusing to see the lengths guys were going to have sex with Megan Fox even though it, of course, ended badly for them. You mean all I have to do is break into this boarded up row house in the middle of a darkened street at 1 in the morning… done and done.

So besides the always awesome JK Simmons, this time with unexplained hook hand, the best performance was from Adam Brody. I almost want to go back and watch The O.C. now. He was the picture perfect douchebag with most of the best lines. The whole lead-up to the ritual sacrifice of Megan Fox was hilarious. Although Fox got all the attention, Amanda Seyfried was the actual star of the movie and she is always solid. I miss Veronica Mars. I miss Juno. This needed more Ellen Page and Michael Cera.

Sadly, Jennifer's Body was a disappointment. I'm not entirely sure what I was hoping for but this wasn't it. In fact I am worried that all Diablo Cody movies are going to sound exactly the same which is going to prove very annoying.

6 out of 10

Pandorum

I walked into Pandorum hoping for something along the lines of Event Horizon but got another Resident Evil instead. Well seeing as I have seen every single Resident Evil movie in the theater, I obviously have no problem with more people running away from monsters in the darkness.

If you are hoping that I will breakdown the story of Pandorum into something that will make sense, you need to look somewhere else. This was lots of science fiction ideas, cryo sleep, chemically enhanced humans, losing your mind in space, and my favorite humanity is too retarded and will eventually destroy earth, mashed together without actually giving a coherent explanation. It was all just an excuse to have less than 5 people running through the massive ship while crazy mutated humans hunt them down. As well it should be.

Ben Foster doesn’t work enough. No matter the quality of the movie I see him in; he has always delivered. This time around he got to play many different levels of paranoid and he is always at his best when he gets to go to emotional extremes. Dennis Quaid played the role of Dennis Quaid. Most movies can use some Dennis Quaid and Pandorum definitely took advantage. This Quaid had a beard. I have no idea who anyone else was, well, except for Cung Le but he is a MMA fighter not an actor. But it was nice to see them give him multiple fight scenes to showcase his skills. Thankfully there were only 5 total characters in the movie, I don't have the time nor the brainpower to follow more than that.

Pandorum was completely harmless. It was nowhere in the vicinity of great but it distracted me for an hour and half and that was good enough for me.

6 out of 10