The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Time to clean up another mistake from 2008. Before I crashed and burned reviewing all of Christopher Nolan’s films, I had gone through all of David Fincher’s films. Well, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button came out in 2008 without a review. The problem is that this is one of those movies that has not gotten any consistent airings on cable so I completely forgot about it until I was writing about all of Nolan's movies. I’m thinking the running time of nine hours and fifty-three minutes may have been the problem. If you can make it all the way to the ending, this was an intriguing story.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was built around one of them high concept ideas. What if a man aged backwards!?!? That’s it. Now comes the tricky part. The plot is … how shall I put this ... similar to Forrest Gump. The strange man is born in the South and goes on all these crazy adventures while being in love with a woman from his childhood the whole time. There was even a Lt. Dan-like sea captain. It’s actually not that crazy an occurrence since it was the same screenwriter, Eric Roth, as Forrest Gump. On the plus side, there was no on-the-nose AIDS ending this time around. Instead it hit some real emotion that I was not expecting but was amazing to witness.

You don’t get more A-List than Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett in the starring roles of any movie. Since The Curious Case of Benjamin Button traces their entire lives, they have to share each of their characters with other actors depending on their age. But most of the heavy emotional lifting is done by Pitt and Blanchett. All sorts of computer tricks were used so Pitt could start off as a tiny elderly man and then die as a child. It was some pretty strong work because it always looked like Pitt even when it was physically impossible for him to play the part. Although Cate didn’t go through the computer generator, she did span decades of Daisy’s life. The hours of sitting still all became worthwhile when you saw Daisy’s heartbreak as she watched the childlike Benjamin slowly lose his memories. The two of them carry this movie from beginning to end.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a sprawling movie spanning decades so there were a tons of supporting characters. The highlights were Taraji P. Henson, Jared Harris, and Tilda Swinton. Maybe I should go back and re-evaluate Baby Boy now that Taraji has crafted such a strong resume over the last decade. Now that I can but the sea captain character to the name Jared Harris, I'm intrigued to see what he does as Moriaty in the Sherlock Holmes sequel. I heart Tilda Swinton in everything I see her in. This goes double for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button since she actually got to be a beautiful woman instead of some sort of androgynous boygirl.

I think The Curious Case of Benjamin Button will end up getting lost in the shuffle of David Fincher's career. It is a completely worthy movie that doesn't deserve to be forgotten but that tends to happen when you hit as many high-notes as Fincher has over the last 15 years.

9 out of 10

The Dark Knight

I shit the bed halfway through 2008's movie reviews so this whole thing has been an elaborate ploy to get my ass to write a review of The Dark Knight. No matter the build-up nor the high level of expectations, The Dark Knight went well beyond just being a great comic book movie. Obviously it almost goes without saying that it all came down to Heath Ledger and how he dominated every single second he was on the screen. It literally lifted the movie to a higher level.

So the Joker... There are few words left to write about Heath Ledger’s performance. Prior to his death, there was already buzz about the work that he did on The Dark Knight. But even that didn’t prepare you for what he actually did with one of the most famous comic book villains of them all. It was magnetic. Instead of being Jack Nicholson under white face paint, Ledger brought the psychopath from the page to the screen. Every scene was noteworthy, but everyone will always point out the pencil magic trick, the assault on Harvey Dent’s transport, the interrogation, and his conversation with a Harvey Dent in the hospital. His suit was also pitch perfect and just enhanced the look of the Chelsea Smile they used to explain his permanent grin. Thankfully his choice of voice was not as irritating as the growl squared that is used when Batman speaks. And he found all these odd physical tics to highlight just how every single second was a dangerous moment with the Joker.

All of the good guys from Batman Begins return for The Dark Knight. Christian Bale is still solid in and out of the costume. Gary Oldman proves that he was born to play, now Commissioner, Jim Gordon. It is such a great character and he takes full advantage. Michael Caine continues turning Alfred Pennyworth into Michael Caine. And there is never a reason to complain about more Morgan Freeman. Even better than that, Katie Holmes was replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal then blown up. Good times. On the other side of the law, Heath Ledger is joined by Aaron Eckhart and Eric Roberts. Eckhart is Harvey Dent for most of the movie so calling him a bad guy is probably unfair but he is Two Face by the end so I stand by my placing. That’s not the point though; the make-up/effects used to portray his burnt face were amazing. Its almost disappointing that there wasn't more Two Face in action or that they left him getting burnt as the cliff hanger for the next movie. Haha Eric Roberts...

Nolan’s comfort level with the material allowed him to experiment elsewhere. The visuals were spectacular throughout The Dark Knight. He used IMAX cameras for a handful of the action scenes, including the opening bank robbery, and the results were stunning. He almost single-handedly made I Am Legend a financial success since the bank robbery scene was attached to it as an extended IMAX teaser. Whatever, it was worth the $125 ticket. He put Batman on top of a skyscraper in Hong Kong for a crazy visual. He flipped a tractor trailer end over end just because it was something new to do in a chase scene. This was just a joy to watch from beginning to end.

There really isn't much more to say about The Dark Knight than did you see what Heath Ledger did? Because if you haven't, that's on you and you're wrong. Bring on Catwoman...

10 out of 10

The Final 2008 List

So, I give up on 2008.  I am roughly 35 movies behind.  That is way too much effort; effort I am just not willing to put into this.  Let's see if I can pick things back up for 2009.

But, I want to have some sort of record of my likes and dislikes for 2008 so here is the full list: 

1. The Dark Knight
2. Iron Man
3. Frost/Nixon
4. Slumdog Millionaire
5. Milk
6. The Wrestler
7. Doubt
8. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
9. Gran Torino
10. In Bruges
11. Appaloosa
12. RockNRolla
13. Revolutionary Road
14. Hellboy II: The Golden Army
15. The Reader
16. Quantum of Solace
17. Body of Lies
18. W.
19. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
20. The Incredible Hulk
21. Burn After Reading
22. Pineapple Express
23. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
24. Tropic Thunder
25. The Visitor
26. The Bank Job
27. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
28. Role Models
29. Traitor
30. Pride and Glory
31. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
32. Wanted
33. Step Brothers
34. The Forbidden Kingdom
35. Hancock
36. Eagle Eye
37. Get Smart
38. Semi-Pro
39. Cloverfield
40. Death Race
41. The Day the Earth Stood Still
42. Vantage Point
43. Street Kings
44. Speed Racer
45. Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
46. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
47. Quarantine
48. Punisher War Zone
49. Star Wars: The Clone Wars
50. Jumper
51. Rambo
52. Transporter 3
53. You Don't Mess with the Zohan
54. Max Payne
55. 10,000 B.C.
56. The Spirit

If it wasn't for the mad dash to the Oscars delivering a constant stream of quality flicks, 2008 was shaping up to be quite awful.  But in the end I was able to fill out the top 10 with a bunch of respectable names so I was able to push back the crap of the year till past the top 20.  This means that there is a noticeable drop in quality once I start filling out the 20's with comedy after comedy.  Thankfully the movie gods delivered The Spirit in December which is just a beautiful piece of memorable trash.  I can't really complain when I have a year that leads off with The Dark Knight and finishes up with The Spirit.  

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Well, that could have been much worse. As a franchise, I’ve never held Indiana Jones at all that high a level. I mean there are only 3 movies and one of them is the extremely flawed Temple of Doom. So when it came time for Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, all I wanted was a fun time. And hey that’s what it delivered.

It was nice to see the band back together for one more turn. This is one of the greatest roles in the history of film and Harrison Ford slips back into the fedora like no time has paced. Well, lots of time has passed but Indiana has never been a superhero so watching a man in his mid-60s fumble around and save the day is not that difficult to believe. Plus it is just awesome to hear Harrison deliver all of these lines in that weary seen it all voice. The return of Karen Allen was a big positive. She was always the best of the Indiana Jones females and the chemistry is still there between the two of them. On the other hand, Cate Blanchett is always awesome. This may be her first go around in a big ole summer flick, but she was a great villain. Maybe it was just the fun accent and the use of the sword. Who knows? John Hurt was fantastic in another one of his crazy ass character roles. You need an older actor to play wacked out of his skull? Find John Hurt. I didn’t even have any real beef with Shia LaBeouf; I have no real interest in seeing him take over the franchise but that doesn’t have anything to do with Crystal Skull.

Sadly, there was noticeable CGI creep in this installment. The past films have attempted to film as much as possible in camera. And that works for this type of movie. This is supposed to look and feel like something that was filmed over 50 years ago. Although it was all good work and never came off cheap, did we really need CGI gophers, Shia swinging like Tarzan, inter-dimensional gateways, just overall fricking aliens. I will freely admit that the shot of Indiana standing in the middle of a sandstorm with the mushroom cloud in the background was amazing. The inclusion of Ray Winstone’s Mac also irked me because it begged to be a character that we had already seen. The double/triple agent stuff would have worked better if we had seen their supposed history together. Or maybe I just miss Sallah.

Hopefully, The Dark Knight can find the middle ground in between Iron Man and Indiana Jones. The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did not disappoint me but I still have room in my heart for another nearly perfect summer movie. Then again they made a 4th Indiana Jones film nearly 2 decades after the 3rd one. I am thankful for that.

8 out of 10

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

I hope the poor positioning of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian does not stop them from filming the rest of the series. Whoever thought there was money to be made sandwiched between Iron Man and Indiana Jones better have lost their job. It is disappointing to know that the vastly superior movie will end up making significantly less money than the original.

Although I am always in favor of darker more realistic movies, I found it hilarious that Prince Caspian took this so seriously. The movie was practically filmed in perpetually darkness. There were a grand total of 2 scenes that included any significant bright colors. The entire first scene was barely visible. It was perfect. I wouldn’t call the content adult but at the same time it was less about look at all the cute animals and wow they talk, and more about them mythical creatures are about to kick some ass. They even moved past some of the childish elements of the kids this time around. Maybe next time we can actually get a PG-13 rating.

After the first movie, none of the 4 kids left any sort of impression on me. This time around each of them were given their own time to shine. They were able to make the Peter/Miraz swordfight worthwhile even though it was a 16 year-old dueling with a 50 year-old. In fact it was very well done. As for Edmund, I have never read the books but I hope one of them allows him to take front stage. He gets a bunch of great lines, the High King bit, its his sword skills that prove their identity Trumpkin, and he gets to defeat the White Witch. Susan is the archer so she gets multiple scenes to look like a complete badass. Archery has the ability to look amazing in movies, so much so that I would actually look forward to Green Arrow or Hawkeye film. Lucy is still a kid so she gets all the cute moments but even still she was never grating and gets her moment in the sun standing alone on the bridge facing off against the whole army. They were the highlights of the movie. After them, you have Eddie Izzard who was amusing as the Mouse Knight but that’s just voice over work. Peter Dinklage also brought some weight to Goblin Trumpkin but ever since In Bruges all I hear when midgets are on screen are “they’re filming midgets!” That is not helpful. And are you really going to complain when you get to watch centaurs and minotaurs?

The actor playing Prince Caspian was the weak link of the movie. I thought Ben Barnes was decent in Stardust, but this time around he is forgettable. In fact, the whole Caspian/evil humans in Narnia angle weren’t that strong. The palace intrigue was very basic. And the final turn during the duel was funny instead of shocking. “TREACHERY!” Also the similarities to the Lord the Rings, fighting trees, Helm’s Deep type battle, were amusing, nothing to kill the movie though. There were just a bunch of minor annoyances throughout the movie.

I highly doubt that The Chronicles of Narnia will ever become one of my favorite film franchises. Still, Prince Caspian was a fun time and I do look forward to any future chapters. Hopefully starring Edmund and is minotaur buddy.

7 out of 10

Speed Racer

Speed Racer was somehow able to accomplish being a pleasant surprise while still being a bad movie. My level of expectation was at such a low point that I thought I may be walking into one of the worst movies that I will have ever seen. Live action Speed Racer, the Wachowskis going PG rated, the seizure causing trailer, there was nothing to look forward to. Yet Speed Racer was almost a fun time, if completely indecipherable during the races while destroying my ability to see properly for at least a week after the credits rolled.

What the hell was that? I understand that this is based on a cartoon but why did that mean psychedelic flashing lights going really fast? The racing did not make a bit of sense. I couldn’t follow anything onscreen. Then to make matters worse there were all these wacky obstacles on the courses that did nothing but make me scratch my head. In the end it became some sort of pinball machine with cars. Wheeee!

One of the really hilarious parts of Speed Racer was that the storyline was this very adult corporate espionage plot in a movie geared towards 8 year olds. Illegal backroom deals, fixed races to gain corporate contracts, assassination, these are the things all kids see when they sleep. Still, how bout them crazy costumes and pretty colors!

If I were looking to praise anything, it would be the casting choices. Emile Hirsch built up a reservoir of goodwill after Into the Wild, so if this is what he chooses to make then I support him. Hopefully his next choice will not be another waste of time. It is damn near impossible for Christina Ricci not to be painfully cute in every role. Well maybe not Black Snake Moan, there was nothing cute about that. Who doesn’t like John Goodman? I do hope that after 2 more seasons of Lost, Matthew Fox can continue to get roles in big movies like this. Then again after Speed Racer, who knows.

I'm fairly certain this could have been worse but since I could care less about Speed Racer as a franchise, I have no ill will towards this movie. It wasn't good, probably hurt some careers, and generally was a waste of time, but hey it won't be the last movie I see that fills those requirements.

5 out of 5

Iron Man

I’m not burying the lead; Iron Man is getting a perfect score. By the end of the year there may be another film that I place ahead of it, but for the here and now I will be completely satisfied if Iron Man is the best movie released in all of 2008. The expectations that I build up in my mind for summer blockbusters are completely unfair and yet Iron Man delivered on each and every one of them.

This is so much more fun when I get to be negative. But there’s nothing to complain about here. Why is the world so cruel! The storyline was tight; it was able to balance the origin story with the need for a big summer climatic confrontation. Though to be completely honest with you, if I had my wishes the sequel would actually be a prequel about the rise of Tony Stark. The beginning of this movie was so strong that I just wanted more of Tony in cruise control. The drinking, the whoring, the bantering with his friends, the stipper pole on the company plane, Tony Stark rules. Actually to be more specific Robert Downey Jr rules. All of this has been in comic book pages for decades, but it was Downey who brought it perfectly to screen. There was no better man to portray Stark's eccentricities. There is not enough praise to give the man.

10 years ago, if I had to list the comic book characters that would end up looking the best on the big screen, Iron Man would not have been at the top of the list. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to make a man in a futuristic suit of armor look completely legit on film. What they were able to accomplish here completely blew my mind. You see Stark building it piece by piece so when it is completed it looks like something that could be worn by a person. Of course it would be too heavy to move in, but that is where the magical arclight power source saves the day. Comics always have an answer. It got even better once the armor was in action. The flying was sweet, the repulsors looked good, all the weapons on board were fun, and it was even believable when Iron Man was going hand-to-hand. I want my own giant robot suit.

Although nobody was even in Downey’s atmosphere, the rest of Iron Man was cast to perfection. Terrence Howard as James Rhodes and Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts are both ridiculous cases of overcastting. I appreciate them bringing class and skill to these parts but it is still funny to seem them show up in a secondary role for a summer popcorn flick. Jeff Bridges was having too much fun as Obadiah Stane. He wore those crazy outfits and shiny bald head with pride. As for Sam showing up after the credits, I think I blacked out for a few minutes after that. If going forward he pops up as Nick Fury in all Marvel movies, best news ever.

I can't wait to own Iron Man on DVD so I can watch it over and over again. Who knew Jon Favreau had this in him? What a pleasant surprise. If this is the beginning of a string of movies building the Marvel universe. good times lay ahead.

10 out of 10

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Did you enjoy Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle? Do you want to see the same exact movie again? Yes?!?! Really? Well now you have Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay giving you the opportunity to see the different versions of jokes that may or may not have been funny the first time around. Hooray!

Remember when those 2 hot chicks were taking a crap in the first movie? Well the first joke of this movie is Kumar on the toilet. See the funny? How about Christopher Meloni’s crazy bastard in the first movie this time around not only does Meloni return as a Klan member but we also have Harold & Kumar staying with a wacky redneck family with an inbred child. See how they twisted that around? Of course Doogie shows up again and does the same exact thing, but that’s still good so I’m not complaining. There just wasn’t much originality here.

There were still enough jokes that hit that I can’t get too annoyed. The image of Harold in college with the Flock of Seagulls haircut was enough for the price of admission. They even made a Sloth reference during the scene with the inbred cyclops, which made my day. And as I already mentioned, all of the Neil Patrick Harris stuff was great. Especially when he was tripping on shrooms. Last of all, I have no idea how they pulled it off but the scene with George Bush impersonator didn’t suck. For the second movie in a row, there needed to be more David Krumholtz and Eddie Kaye Thomas. Maybe one day.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay could have been awful, and at times it was, but there was just enough here to keep me amused. Barely. Man 2008 is just sucking the life out me.

5 out of 10

Street Kings

Maybe if the first few months of the year hadn’t been so godawful I would have shit all over Street Kings. But since 2008 has been complete ass, I actually enjoyed Street Kings in some sick perverse way. It is derivative and full of itself, but what the hell it had Forest and House playing well below their pay-grade and fun people like Common and Jay Mohr just popping up.

Its funny that this movie is looked at negatively because it is similar to Training Day. The director, David Ayer, wrote freaking Training Day. So Street Kings is just like it except much much worse in every conceivable fashion. There was not a single improvement made on the original. You can’t swap Denzel for Keanu and Ethan Hawke for Chris Evans; that is highway robbery. Then again the story does veer off in enough different directions that it is not a complete rip-off. Forest and Hugh Laurie’s characters alter the storyline enough and Keanu is not as bad a man as Denzel so there you go. It was hilarious how the ending made it seem like there are more stories to tell in the Street Kings universe. Really? Why? What did I do wrong?

The casting of this movie is what sold it for me. I may have low expectation for Keanu Reeves, but that doesn’t stop me from paying to see his movies. The man has been 25 years old for the last 2 decades. He is completely unbelievable as some war worn vet cop who has seen too much. Let alone showing some youngster the ropes. I’m a little worried about Forrest Whitaker since he seems too comfortable pulling out the Idi Amin performance when he feels its time to go over the top. Hopefully this doesn’t become his Pacino-like acting choice. Captain House?! That was brilliant. I demand more Hugh Laurie and his American accent. And how is that the least gangsta rapper of all-time, Common, keeps getting cast in the thug role? This seems to go against his entire rap career. Was this the greatest Cedric the Entertainer performance? I say yes. Was that really Jay Mohr? What happened? Why the porn mustache? These questions are why I don't hate Street Kings.

The entirety of Street Kings can be summed up with Terry Crews getting unloaded on point blank with semi-automatics for about 30 seconds, yet there are only a handful of bullet wounds. As long as stopped thinking it went fine.

5 out of 10

The Forbidden Kingdom

If I took movies all that seriously, The Forbidden Kingdom would have terrified me since the moment I heard about it. Me like Jackie Chan movies and me like Jet Li movies, so putting the 2 of them together in a story based in the martial world would seem to be a perfect marriage. Even if they are passed their primes. Then you slap me upside the head with written by Hollywood screenwriter and directed by a Hollywood director known for the Stuart Little series. And in the end, that is exactly what the final product was, a mixture of greatness and awfulness all thrown together making me feel weird and unsatisfied.

We’ll start with the good because I did honestly enjoy The Forbidden Kingdom even though I will spend some time ripping it apart. There are 5 highlights, the Monkey King vs. the Jade Warlord, the fight in the teahouse, the fight in the temple, the fight in the field, and the final showdown. Did you sense the pattern? Because the math is pretty simple here, when Yuen Woo-ping took over as action director this movie shined. It wasn’t even dependent on Chan and Li. Everyone looked good; even the annoying white kid. That being said; obviously the best fight scene is when Jackie Chan and Jet Li square off after 3 decades circling each other. Thankfully, they were given an extended scene so nothing was rushed. It damn near fulfilled whatever expectations I had when I think of Drunken Master Jackie Chan against Once Upon a Time in China Jet Li. No real complaints. Plus the Monkey King’s magical weapon was a staff, which is my favorite martial arts weapon, so the kung fu sections were planted squarely on my good side.

I really want to list everything that annoyed me about The Forbidden Kingdom but I know that there is one thing I will not be able to get past. You'll see. First off is the useless and annoying beginning and ending scenes set in today’s “Boston”. There is nothing worthwhile here. It was all an excuse to shoehorn an American as the star which in turn handicaps the entire film. The less said about the street toughs with the cartoon Brooklyn accents in Boston the better. Once the story moves to China, things improve due to massive amounts of fighting not because of anything else. You have the female character that speaks in the third person for no damn reason whatsoever. The Jade Warlord and his army all wearing massive amounts of eyeliner. The witch born of wolves is Sindel from Mortal Kombat. The Monkey King is too damn goofy to take seriously which is a problem since all of his fights are crucial to the story. Jet Li pisses on Jackie Chan. We're done here.

I've seen enough kung fu films to not dismiss films because they are goofy. Hong Kong flicks are filled with movies that start off great then start throwing curveballs at you until you throw up your hands and accept it. Because of this training, I was able to completely enjoy The Forbidden Kingdom even with some damn near fatal flaws. The action was just too good to ignore. And in the end that is all I was looking for.

7 out of 10

The Bank Job

In a shocking turn of events, I have a decent movie to review here. Until 2008 turns the corner, I will continue to mention how shocked I am when I actually enjoy the movie I saw. Don't get me wrong, The Bank Job will not even end up in my top 20 when the year is done. But for this time of year it was completely entertaining and I can't ask for more than that.

It has been 10 years since Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and 8 years since Snatch and that is exactly how long it’s been since Jason Statham has starred in a movie as good as The Bank Job. He excels in these British gangster-style movies but when he ventures out into action movie-land you end up with The Transporter and Crank. Which have both become franchises, so god help us all. Statham is at his best when he is scrambling to make money or save his ass or both at the same time. The Bank Job starts with him down on his luck, then he and his crew rob a bank’s safe deposit boxes, which leads to them having dangerous information that puts their lives in jeopardy, and then he finally schemes to keep the money and his life. That right there is Statham’s wheelhouse. Which is why this movie works as well as it does.

Although The Bank Job is not as funny as the other movies I mentioned, it still has the 70s settings and the always confusing British slang. That is where most of the humor comes from, while the rest of the movie is straight up heist flick. Nothing new, but at the same time nothing obvious. It was nice to not predict each step of the story. And it was nice to see Saffron Burrows not get eaten by a shark.

It has been awhile since I saw The Bank Job and my lack of stuff to talk about just highlights how basic the movie really was. I know I enjoyed it but I just haven't thought about it in over a month. So let's chalk this up as the best lukewarm recommendation I can write.

7 out of 10

10,000 B.C.

We are just piling on contenders for piece of shit movie of 2008. This time around I get to piss on 10,000 B.C. and believe me it deserves it. This was an awful movie. There is absolutely nothing to recommend and to preserve my sanity this will be over as soon as possible.

The fact that 10,000 B.C. was awful shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. After seeing woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers in the trailer, what else was there to look forward to? And since I’m no longer 6 years old, seeing computer generated mammoths and sabertoothes a second time is not enough. The addition of crazy raptor-like chickens did not help. The extinct creatures were one of the main selling points but all of those scenes were disappointing. The mammoths always looked fake, the tiger scene was horrendous because the main character becomes Ka-Zar and is able to communicate with the sabretooth who may or may not be Zabu, and I think crazy fighting chickens speaks for itself. On top of weak creatures, there was no believability with the human characters. This reminded me of Pathfinder where the idea seems to be throw some animal skins on them and bam you have been transported back in time. As for the story, well, it was just by the numbers hero faces many challenges to save his love. Of course there are heroic sacrifices, the classic winning the respect of the doubters, and even some mwahahahing villains. Complete trash.

I'm done. Screw 10,000 B.C. It didn't even do me the favor of being so bad that is becomes memorable trash. I never want to see or talk about this movie again.

2 out of 10

In Bruges

Oh my god! I actually saw a good movie in 2008! I didn’t think it was going to happen. There were times where I thought the era of movies had passed. Thankfully I was one of the 6 people who saw In Bruges and my fear for the movie making industry was eased for the moment. You give me a great story with great performances and actual funny dialogue then I will be completely satisfied.

If I had to places In Bruges in a category, I would say that is similar to the movies like Snatch and Layer Cake. There is a dark story being told, but it is impossible to take any of the characters seriously. Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson are killers but watching them bicker over how to spend their day keeps the movie from becoming grim. And it just wasn’t possible for things to get too dark with Farrell constantly talking about midgets throughout the movie. And if that wasn’t enough once Ralph Fienes was introduced as the real villain instead of bring too much menace, Ralph is just completely over-the-top with his barely controlled rage. Everything comes to a violent conclusion but since the midget comes into play even that isn’t as serious as it could have been.

The three leads on this movie all delivered. When it comes down to it, In Bruges is my favorite Colin Farrell performance so far. I am still a big fan of his Bullseye and he has been in a bunch of big flashy movies, but he was understated and hilarious throughout this film. It is his story being told and he gets most of the best moments, filming midgets, making fun of fat people, beating up neo-nazis, confusing a Canadian for an American, it all works. I’m not sure if Brendan Gleeson has ever not delivered, okay fine he was in Lake Placid but I think we can all agree that Lake Placid is completely awesome. Gleeson is a perfect foil to Farrell and even gets a nice arc for his own character. As for Ralph Fiennes, I’m not sure what to say. He is all over the place in all of his scenes. He seems to be all rage but by the end you find out that he is living by a moral code even while killing all the people in his way. I was excited to see that Fleur Delacour has gone from Tri-Wizard champion in the Goblet of Fire to dating neo-nazis and sticking up guys she takes home with her in Bruges. Good for her.

Barring an absolute shit-tastic 2008, In Bruges will not be the best movie of the year but it is definitely something that I will love to watch over and over again. The entire movie is full of fantastic dialogue with some truly memorable characters. Its funny how these type of movies always seem to made outside of America. Well as long as they are made, I'll be happy.

9 out of 10

Semi-Pro

Can Will Ferrell please get himself out of this rut? He can single-handedly make these movies not suck but that is not enough. No more sports, no more 70s, no more semi-retarded good guys who learn a lesson within 2 hours. Outside of the R rating, there is nothing new in Semi-Pro that you haven’t already seen in Blades of Glory, Talladega Nights, Kicking & Screaming, or Anchorman.

There is no need to get into the details about the plot of Semi-Pro. In all of these movies, the story exists so that Will can act a fool on the big-screen as long as possible before learning something important then they wrap it up. This time its something about a fake ABA team trying to make it to the NBA and at some point they invent the alley-oop. Not too sure where that came from.

I am being extremely negative because I want more. Semi-Pro is still funny but its just not memorable at all. Jackie Moon fighting the bear was a great scene. “No refunds! Consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!” And all his arguments with the referee were good stuff. The usual suspects, Will Arnett, Andy Richter, even Kristen Wing shows up in the bear scene, do their usual great work. It was also nice to see Woody Harrelson, Andre 3000, and Maura Tierney. The cast is not to blame for my lack of enthusiasm.

But there is nothing new here. If Will is going to make the same movie over and over again, then I am not going to waste my time writing about it. Semi-Pro is funny and will watch it when it pops up on cable but there is nothing else to say. Find new material.

5 out of 10

Vantage Point

If I were to spend enough time to create a top ten most annoying movies I have ever seen, Vantage Point would definitely take up one of the spots. There was nothing horrific about the story, even though it wasn’t that good, or the acting, not that that was memorable either, but the twist of showing the same scenes over and over again from every single character’s point of view was infuriating. I wanted to go home by about the first time the church bells rang signaling that the reset point was pressed.

The actual plot of Vantage Point is simple, the President is assassinated … or so it seems. Then we get a bunch of stuff about doppelgangers, Secret Service double agents, and children running in the streets. That last one is the most important of everything because the entire climax of the movie is dependent on there being a dumb-ass kid standing in the middle of the street so chaos can occur. That is not the only ridiculous aspect of the story, there are characters walking away from serious car accidents like they are the Terminator. I’m not even sure if they respect the audience enough to at least limp. And there is the classic plot element of American government agencies are so easy to infiltrate that I’m surprised there hasn’t been a movie where a terrorist group takes over the United States by coup after placing their agents into all the Joint Chiefs of Staff positions. All of this is forgivable because it’s just a dumb action movie and this is what is to be expected.

Vantage Point lost me once it decided to replay every single scene over and over again. This is not a new technique, and it is not a technique that is automatically annoying. But when we watch the same scenes from what feels like 20 different character’s points of view, the entire theater started heckling the screen. Maybe if each section wasn’t so damn long, maybe if the mystery was actually interesting, maybe if this was just a better fricking movie, Vantage Point would have worked. But it wasn’t, and I was stuck seeing a mediocre story over and over again like some sick form of torture.

What the hell is Forest Whitaker doing in this? Shouldn’t he be making better choices since The Last King of Scotland? Oh wait, he’s in Street Kings … I guess not. And this is the best movie Jack Shepard can do when Lost is on hiatus? Maybe there will be something better next time.Dennis Quaid and William Hurt are completely acceptable while at the same time being completely forgettable like everyone else in the cast.

I hope that I am getting across just how much watching the same shit over and over again annoyed me. Because the rest of this movie was nothing to get angry about, it had a good chase scene and actors that I like to watch so I want to just move on. But I can't because I was forced to rewatch the movie while the movie was still going on. That's just unfair.

5 out of 10

Jumper

Ah February, you expose the truth before I even walk into the theater. If a big obvious attempt at creating a franchise like Jumper was released in the summer, you may think it was worth your time. But, if said movie is thrown to the wolves in February that is a dead giveaway that something went pear-shaped. Point being, Jumper sucked and I knew it would suck the moment I realized it was being released in the middle of February.

Now this was a movie that had delusions of grandeur. I have no problem with the desire to create a world where multiple sequels can take place. Jumper just went about it by creating shady quasi-religious groups that have supposedly been around for centuries who dedicate themselves to hunting down teleporters because of some vague “its an affront to god” reason. Why the hell does god have beef with teleporting? I can see a government agency not liking people stealing shit and disappearing but “paladins”? And why do they dress like they should be on Star Trek? I just don’t understand. Even if I could get past that, David’s motivations are never really explained. He has the cookie-cutter childhood crush and bully encounter and then a quick hey I can teleport section, and finally about 10 minutes into the movie he is living the good life. And he teleports onto Big Ben just to chill and look cool? Who sees you asshole? For the rest of the movie, he seems to fall into stuff over and over again. Now that I think about it, I seem to be blaming the story for Hayden Christensen’s lack of skill. Maybe if there were an actor that can portray the full range of emotions, this wouldn’t have felt so hollow. Well, I don’t care either way.

I just trashed Anakin and I could go on picking him apart, but I have no desire to do that. He is wooden and speaks with the same tone of voice no matter what is going on. Wonder if he will get to be in front of such an expensive movie again after this? And Sam Jackson… is there a more dependable actor who will ping pong from truly great movies to utter trash within 12 months? I will admit that he gets points for the hair but that’s it. Everything else is unacceptable. Worse, since he was the head paladin he was saddled with all the trash dialogue explaining this farce of a world. And how much did Diane Lane get paid? I want her agent. Jamie Bell at least tried to bring something to the proceedings. But comic relief can only get you so far.

Is Jumper really where Doug Liman is at nowadays? That is really depressing. Hopefully this is just a misstep along the way for the man who started the Bourne franchise. Still, this was damn awful and is made even worse by how badly they wanted this to work.

4 out of 10

Rambo

Really? Why? I will admit that Rocky Balboa was nice trip down nostalgia lane but who the hell wants to travel that road twice? The only joy I took from Rambo was laughing at the dialogue and satisfying my baser desire to see vast amounts of gore on the big screen. There is not much else going for the damn thing. Well to be fair, it was nice to see Chappelle acting like Chappelle would act. I’m so glad Jack Bauer shot you in the back of the head.

I guess I can’t be mad at Sylvester Stallone, because its not like he is pushing aside better work to pursue some mad dream of bringing back John Rambo. And on top of that, was the Rambo series all that sacred? All I remember is explosive tipped arrows and “Murdoch … I’m going to get you Murdoch.” And after seeing Rambo my opinion hasn’t changed a bit, its freaking Rambo running through some Asian country, killing as many people as he can. There is nothing new here besides ridiculous dialogue attempting to give deeper meaning to the man slaughtering an entire regiment of the Burmese army. Thankfully nobody was interested in more tales of John Rambo so hopefully this will not happen again.

There isn’t much to say about Stallone. What am I going to do? Restate how hilarious it is when he speaks? Talk about how characters based on being ripped badasses that are now being portrayed by a man in his 60s ruins the image? Or just come right out and say that it will all be worth it for either Cliffhanger 2 or More Tango and Cash? After the big man, the recognizable faces for me were Julie Benz and Paul Schulze. Benz has that deer in the headlights character down pat. And Schulze is Chappelle in all things. He probably isn't liked by his own family. Everyone else are just guys guns. Good guys, bad guys, in between guys, and everybody gets a chance to bleed.

It would be nice to have the names of the people who claimed we needed another entry into the Rambo franchise. The third movie wasn't bad enough to kill this bad boy? Well, it's 2008 and here is Rambo and everyone is underwhelmed. Pointless violence can be fun for awhile, but this never even got past shooting people until they explode.

4 out of 10

Cloverfield

Who the hell shakes the camera anymore? Haven’t we as a society gotten to the point where if you have a camcorder in hand you know how to keep it steady while filming? I can accept the running sequences but the rest is just there to constantly remind you that Cloverfield is different. This is real man. If I accept that is different, can I also accept that is just another monster movie?

I’m not entirely sure what the big secret of Cloverfield was supposed job. The first trailer back in front of Transformers, I think, was interesting and made ya take notice. But once the head of the Statue of Liberty was knocked off what the hell else could be the point of the movie? Monsters or aliens attack New York. Then, surprise surprise, Cloverfield kicks into gear and big crazy ocean monster attacks New York. I do applaud them though because keeping everything secretive definitely helped the box office. Hurray for money.

The monster attacks New York was easy but that’s not enough to sustain a whole film. So we get the search for the ex-girlfriend, and even that’s fine. But it would have been nice if it was explained that she had Woliverine’s healing ability. She was impaled for hours but they show up remove the pipe and she is fit to travel. What?

Not much to say about the cast. Maybe some of them can springboard from this into bigger careers, but for now they were just young folk thrown on screen. They ran around and acted scared then got killed but good. If I have to highlight somebody, I’ll go with the camera guy because he was amusing enough.

There is just not much to say about Cloverfield. Its a monster trashes NYC movie. People die, scary monster moments, and an obvious there will be more ending. Outside of filming it on a handheld, nothing to see here. Completely acceptable all the way around.

6 out of 10