Jumper

Ah February, you expose the truth before I even walk into the theater. If a big obvious attempt at creating a franchise like Jumper was released in the summer, you may think it was worth your time. But, if said movie is thrown to the wolves in February that is a dead giveaway that something went pear-shaped. Point being, Jumper sucked and I knew it would suck the moment I realized it was being released in the middle of February.

Now this was a movie that had delusions of grandeur. I have no problem with the desire to create a world where multiple sequels can take place. Jumper just went about it by creating shady quasi-religious groups that have supposedly been around for centuries who dedicate themselves to hunting down teleporters because of some vague “its an affront to god” reason. Why the hell does god have beef with teleporting? I can see a government agency not liking people stealing shit and disappearing but “paladins”? And why do they dress like they should be on Star Trek? I just don’t understand. Even if I could get past that, David’s motivations are never really explained. He has the cookie-cutter childhood crush and bully encounter and then a quick hey I can teleport section, and finally about 10 minutes into the movie he is living the good life. And he teleports onto Big Ben just to chill and look cool? Who sees you asshole? For the rest of the movie, he seems to fall into stuff over and over again. Now that I think about it, I seem to be blaming the story for Hayden Christensen’s lack of skill. Maybe if there were an actor that can portray the full range of emotions, this wouldn’t have felt so hollow. Well, I don’t care either way.

I just trashed Anakin and I could go on picking him apart, but I have no desire to do that. He is wooden and speaks with the same tone of voice no matter what is going on. Wonder if he will get to be in front of such an expensive movie again after this? And Sam Jackson… is there a more dependable actor who will ping pong from truly great movies to utter trash within 12 months? I will admit that he gets points for the hair but that’s it. Everything else is unacceptable. Worse, since he was the head paladin he was saddled with all the trash dialogue explaining this farce of a world. And how much did Diane Lane get paid? I want her agent. Jamie Bell at least tried to bring something to the proceedings. But comic relief can only get you so far.

Is Jumper really where Doug Liman is at nowadays? That is really depressing. Hopefully this is just a misstep along the way for the man who started the Bourne franchise. Still, this was damn awful and is made even worse by how badly they wanted this to work.

4 out of 10