DOA: Dead or Alive

Some clarifications are necessary before this review gets to the heart of the matter. There are no good movies to be made based on fighting games. Although there may be a handful of half-assedly interesting characters, there is no real story once you get past the words "kung-fu tournament". DOA: Dead or Alive contains both of these qualities. So I cannot even give you a reason why this movie was made. That’s a lie. It was made because it was awesome. There is no better reason. Another title to add to the awful but fun genre and I thank whichever studio decision maker that fell asleep at the switch allowing this movie its one weekend in theaters.

If I were forced to highlight the defining moment of DOA, it was that when I attempted to see it again a week later it had already been yanked from the cinema. Do you know how poorly a movie has to perform for it to get the axe within a single week? Yeah, that is the quality of DOA. Another highlight is that even with the PG-13 holding them back there was a real attempt to include just as much t & a as the video game. You damn right that means hot chicks in skimpy outfits rolling around with each other … I mean fighting each other. They definitely embraced the video game’s use of scantily clad females even throwing in some beach volleyball. Seeing as I have owned all four DOA games, I am honestly trying to remember if there was ever a point where I imagined a live action movie. The games were always so ridiculous. Yet here it was on the big screen; Kasumi, Tina, Ayane, Helena, Zack, Bass, and just about every other fighter in the history of the series. They even managed a decent batting average with casting and costumes. Kasumi, Tina, Bass, and Hayate were all spot on. While the only real strike out was Hayabusa because really how do you screw up ninja. A couple of others were worth mentioning because Ayane was costumed correctly just the wrong nationality and Helena was casted correctly but not dressed in an evening gown. I did feel that there should have been more or better yet any Lei Fang and the absence of Jann Lee meant no dragon on the interior of his suit jacket. If you added everything up, the DOA equation was hot females and Eric Roberts with an occasional Kevin Nash sighting. That is a dangerous equation but it works when it is Jamie Pressley, Devon Aoki, and all the other no named but nice to watch actresses. And the biggest shock to me was that there were actually some decent fight scenes strewn about the wreckage of the film. And that means whoever did the fight choreography deserves a medal because of the main characters only the actors playing Ryu and Hayate had significant experience in kung-fu films. After anticipated something on the level of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, I am flabbergasted that I have any praise whatsoever for DOA.

Where there negatives? Are you kidding me? But why ruin a good thing with all the negative details. This was a horrendously stupid movie. The plot was laughable, it lasted all of 38 seconds, it was completely exploitative, and it sat on the studio shelves for over half a year for good reasons. But who the hell are you for wanting a classic movie based on the DOA video games?

I want to own this movie right now. I should have bootlegged it when I had the chance. If I have to wait as long for the DVD as I did for the chance to see it in the theater, I may cry. DOA: Dead or Alive is the reason I see so many films during the year. I don’t want to miss the chance to see these debacles in theaters.

6 out of 10