TV from 9/23 - 9/29

15 goddamn shows just this week. I am a sick bastard. Hopefully going forward I can get this done before the new week starts.

Monday (9/24)

Prison Break

We are jumping in on the second episode. I lost my chance to rant about how they literally reset the show back to the beginning. One of the brothers is in jail, one of them is trying to break the other out, and there is an evil conspiracy using them. It is so past ludicrous that it works for Prison Break. Episode 2 brought more of the same. Michael is the smartest man alive and can fix every situation, this time he MacGyver’s the broken water pipes. Linc gets to know shadowy organization #2. The annoying Sucre/Maricruz storyline is hopefully wrapped up cause it bores me to tears. Sucre working with the brothers is definitely a better use for his character. The best thing about the show right now is that Bunny from The Wire is the head convict in charge. He improves the show just by standing around. His butting heads with Michael should continue to anchor the show for me.

5 out of 10

Chuck

I hate pilots. All the characters have to be introduced, the premise needs to be clearly explained, and the status quo needs to be established but it still has to come in at less than an hour. So everything is smashed together to fit and it always feels rushed. Lets judge the 3 parts. The characters are good enough; Chuck seems to fit the role, the dueling agents are okay, and there are plenty of supporting characters to provide humor. The premise seems to be a one-note joke about a nerd saving the world. Will he always save the world straight from the floor of not-Best Buy? I was hoping for better action, but I always want better action. 24 and Alias has spoiled me. Plus there is another big government conspiracy to bother with again too. I’ll give it a few more weeks.

5 out of 10

Heroes

I came pretty dang close to despising the season 1 finale. Every single character coming together, multiple characters in mortal danger but no one clearly dead, and the time travel ending left me feeling annoyed instead of intrigued. Were any of these things fixed? Well no. The Hiro in ancient Japan plot was made better because of Sark as Hiro’s hero. On the other hand, it looks like no one died in the finale. Instead we get another secondary character killed. This grows tiresome; eventually someone big has to go. So I am still stuck with way too many people to keep track of which leads to storylines that I will check out for. I did like the new stories for Claire and Jack Bennet. In fact I want a whole episode to take place in Copy Kingdom. Nathan Petrelli’s beard is fantastically fake and ridiculous. Parkman still bores me. I am unsure about Mohinder. We’ll see about the new chick. I know Ali Larter will be back soon but do we need the kid? I miss Sulu already.

6 out of 10

Weeds

First Post-U-Turn episode and the show definitely suffers in his absence. His funeral is still the best scene even when he’s dead. Nancy grieving with the other gangbangers, Marvin trying to take control … U-Turn is a huge loss. That being said, Nancy and Marvin going to the summit with the Mexican gang was great. The porn set should have been funnier. The Matthew Modine story is still boring when Nancy isn’t involved. The Christian indoctrination school and the Olsen twin fits the show but it seems to be taking the place of Heylia and Conrad. I still love the tone of the show.

7 out of 10

Californication

The tone of this show is starting to confuse me. We are only halfway through the first season and instead of Hank being completely out of control, the story has already shifted to Hank trying to put his family together. Is it just going to be constant setbacks? That will get boring. Maybe I miss the constant nudity of the first episode. Or maybe Mia is just that annoying. Or maybe I don’t care about Hank’s agent. I do like when Hank spars with the director. Eh, it’s a half-hour that follows Weeds so I’ll stick around.

5 out of 10

Tuesday (9/25)

Bones

This show has constantly improved since it began airing. Which is a good thing since I have zero tolerance for procedurals. And one of the important aspects of a procedural is the need to get everything back to normal, so by the end of this episode Booth and Bones are a team again and Zack is back from Iraq. That means that there is nothing new here so it all comes down to the case and this week its cannibals. Good stuff with an actual hint at a larger case for the season to deal with. I’m intrigued, not so much the green screen stuff at the end but still intrigued.

7 out of 10

House

Just like how last season began with House walking; this season starts without his minions. I don’t trust it and am biding my time till everyone is back in the fold. Cameron, Chase, and Foreman are coming back eventually so all I can hope for is that their absence leads to good stories. Does it this time? Hells yes. The guitar kidnapping by Dr. Wilson is enough to make this a great episode. This included one of the best House/Wilson scenes of all-time, which is when he gives the sound that a guitar string makes when it is wound too tight. Plus switching bodies, House dickishness, and Cuddy proving to House he needs a team. The abuse of the potentials hires should carry the next few episodes.

8 out of 10

The Unit

I’m jumping back in after taking the second season off. Thank you second DVR box. Automatic high score because Jonas shaves his head and gives me Pedro Cerano flashbacks. If he threw in the Cuban accent this would have been the best hour of television all week. The wives sections still lose my attention. I have no idea what happened between Mack and his wife. But it is still fun to watch all the team members do their thing. Come on, Bob hid in the casket and shot the assassin checking Jonas’ non-existent dead body. I assume everything will reset after the second episode. But maybe they’ll surprise me.

7 out of 10

Reaper

This seemed interesting enough. Plus Kevin Smith directing was hook enough to get me to record it for future viewing. Devil’s bounty hunter seemed to be a damn decent premise. President Logan’s VP is the devil which you would think should have been the other way around. The star and his buddy seem to have good timing with the buddy being real funny in this role. It’s still the CW so everything skews young and not that deep. Plus I don’t know if the budget will allow them to do decent special effects for the demons and shit. Still for a pilot it didn’t bore me, so I will return for a little while longer.

7 out of 10

Damages

I may not watch every FX show but it seems like everyone I have checked out were well worth the effort. Damages seems to be the first one since The Shield to actually get me to come back week after week. The performances are so good, from Glenn Close to Tate Donovan to Ted Danson to Rose Byrne to Zeljko Ivanek to just about anybody who shows their face. The only real negative I have for Damages is that I am not a fan of the format; telling the story of the case while slowly revealing the horrible conclusion where Ellen’s fiancé is dead and we don’t know how or why yet. It works though. This week’s episode includes showing Patty breakdown in the future, the continuing revelation that Ellen can’t trust Patty or Tom, and just more awesome work by Ted freaking Danson. I still have no idea how this is going to wrap up while at the same time I have no idea how there can be a second season.

9 out 10

Wednesday (9/26)

Bionic Woman

So I have been trying to replace Alias for 2 years now. 4 years if you want to remove the last 2 years of Alias from the record books. Here’s hoping Bionic Woman can do the job. After the pilot, I am not jumping ship so that is a good start. As a pilot, this avoided many of the pitfalls. By the end of the episode I really didn’t know how each hour would go down which I liked. Jamie Sommers was introduced, fucked up, then rebuilt using magical technology. Another world famous shadowy conspiracy was introduced. Evil doctors, sketchy doctors, kung fu dude, whiny sister, evil bionic woman, and no Isiah Washington were all introduced without feeling forced. I was hoping for a better fight scene at the end but it didn’t suck and hopefully the show can grow into great action. I could do with out the aggressive soundtrack playing over every important scene. Still I feel pretty good about this show at least lasting the season.

7 out of 10

Life

Second most precarious show, if it doesn’t vastly improve over the next week or so I will not stick around. It is just a cop drama with the all-necessary twist. I don’t have much to say. Calamity Jane and the overarching mysterious conspiracy may keep me coming back but it is touch and go right now.

4 out of 10

Dirty Sexy Money

This is a step above Life but still behind Bionic Woman, Chuck, and Reaper for new shows that I am going to follow. I like Peter Krause and I like Donald Sutherland so here we go. It could be fun. Lots of Darling children running around acting crazy, William Baldwin sleeping with a tranny hooker, priests with illegitimate children, and other real soapy situations. Then again the soapy nature will probably be the reason why I fall off this show. Then again the omnipresent conspiracy over Peter Krause’s dad’s death might keep me coming back.

5 out of 10

Thursday (9/27)

Smallville

Still crap and I am still watching. Smallville has not improved and in fact has probably worsened. Another female is added to the cast so there will be even less time for Chloe or Lois which sucks. Of course Bizarro was finished off before the end of the episode because there is a new season to start building even though the conclusion will be rushed and lead to nothing for next season. And the Lana reveal at the end was just awful. How stupid do they assume the audience is if they feel that people believed she was dead and would be shocked by her still being alive? There is nothing promising about this season.

2 out of 10

Big Shots

This is the worst new show that I watched. I will record next week’s episode and that will be the final call. Outside of Vaughn from Alias, I have nothing positive to write. Christopher Titus in a semi-serious role? Yet he is still doing his stand up? Do we need more tranny hookers on ABC? This seems like more soapy drama that doesn’t interest me at all. I do not have high hopes.

3 out of 10

Damages wins for the week with House coming in second. I wasn't blown away by any premiere but at the same time I have nice slate of shows to follow.

Television 2007-2008

What is the second greatest television invention of my lifetime? Digital Video Recorder. This glorious device allows me to be both a useless slave to the television while at the same time not wasting hours every night watching first-run shows. It is beautiful. Oh and here is the rest of the top 5:

5. Non-stop SportsCenter throughout the morning (I can’t tell you how important this was before the internets)

4. Multiple HBOs and other multiple pay-cable movie stations (There are 50 movie channels so there has to be a decent movie somewhere)

3. HD (Are you kidding me? Do I even need to explain this?)

2. DVR

1. The Sopranos (This is not what you think. Although The Sopranos was that good of a show, it is not the adventures of Tony Soprano that is important. Ever since this show aired television has become the home of real talented people who no longer see it as a step down from films. Which in turn means more and more worthwhile television programs. Plus The Sopranos kicked an unidentifiable amount of ass in the beginning.)

The point of this post is to detail how I will be dealing with this television season. Now I do watch shows from June through August, but it is hard enough for me to keep up with just movies so I needed to wait until the network season began. And this is how it is going to go down. It will happen once a week, maybe a paragraph per episode, and a quick grade. For this first post I will detail the sheer ridiculous amount of shows I watched and state which ones I will continue to watch and review.

Sunday

There are no reviews as of now. I barely pay attention to The Simpsons and even if I did I wouldn’t review it. There are no HBO shows I care about until The Wire shows up again. I am counting the fricking days. Dexter just started up this Sunday on Showtime and I may throw it on; serial killers can be fun.

Monday

Here we go. Prison Break, Chuck, Heroes, Weeds, Californication and when that sweet time returns 24. K-Ville got the axe after one show. I'll steal the joke that both The Simpsons and South Park have made in the past. K-Ville is either another version of Police Cops or Cop Drama; take your pick. I don’t follow many procedurals and television cop shows all seem bland to me after The Wire and to a lesser degree The Shield.

Tuesday

Here we go again. This day will include Bones, House, The Unit, Reaper, Damages, and maybe Boston Legal. The Shield will follow if and when it shows up.

Wednesday

The craziness tapers off here. Hump day has Bionic Woman and Lost after the New Year. I may or may not include Life or Dirty Sexy Money but I need a couple more episodes to see if I will like it or not.

Thursday

I will piss on Smallville for another year because I will see things through to the end. Although I may end up watching the NBC shows, I have no interest in reviewing them. I highly doubt Big Shots will last.

There ain’t nothing worth reporting for Friday and Saturday. Then again Val Kilmer was on Numbers so I could change my mind.

Resident Evil: Extinction

YES! There have been times these past few years where I worried that there wouldn’t be a third Resident Evil movie and I will admit that I wept at the thought that the franchise had ended. But here we are and Resident Evil: Extinction is out for the whole world to see. And thankfully it is exactly what the original and Apocalypse was, pure enjoyable trash. The big change this time around is that we are now firmly within the world of Mad Max and Alice is now Jean Grey. How sweet is that?

There were so many unanswered questions at the end of Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Wait you don’t care? But she killed the security guard with her mind? Dude, her mind made that guy’s eyes bleed! And how was this all explained in Extinction? Um, it wasn’t explained so I will assume Umbrella turned her into Jean Grey. Telekinesis rules. So Milla Jovovich starts off with her new mutant power along with riding a bike through the desert like freaking Mad Max. I cannot be more excited to write that sentence. But I can’t say that it is all great for Alice this time around. Although she was nude during many scenes in Extinction, they went with the whole strategic covering of the naughty bits. That’s not the Resident Evil I came to know and love. Give me a moment to get over this loss.

They brought back lots of other survivors from the second movie. Which was better than how Apocalypse only brought back Alice and I’ll stretch to include the flashback to the guy who became Nemesis. Extinction brought back the evil doctor, the STARS dude, and for whatever sick twisted reason Mike Epps. Don’t ask why the 2 most important other non-Alice survivors, Jill and the little girl, were ignored because I don’t have an answer for you. Seems like that shouldn't have been left hanging. The two additions to the cast that left any sort of a mark were Ali Larter and Ashanti. Well truthfully I just wanted to mention that Ashanti was in the damn movie because do you remember when Ashanti was relevant? Ali was completely acceptable as Claire. It is amusing to see her act badass but Heroes has made that seem less ridiculous. You won’t confuse her with Michelle Rodriguez but this isn’t exactly Denise Richards as nuclear scientist. No one else matters because they are just all cannon fodder. Introduce them, give them an obvious character trait, then kill them violently, and the more the better. I almost forgot; the head of Umbrella is a badass because he wears sunglasses to major company meetings. Sunglasses! Indoors! In a professional setting!

Do you really care about the story? All that matters is zombies appear and get killed in massive numbers. Birds have been infected, swarm, and peck people to death. Umbrella’s plans don’t even make sense. And the ending leaves multiple plotlines for the hopefully 4th Resident Evil. Man, I can only dream.

Lets get this straight. I do not recommend Resident Evil: Extinction. While the franchise is not awful, it sure as hell wouldn’t be confused with quality. What can I say? I am a sucker for the continuing adventures of Alice vs. the Umbrella corporation. This is just more of the same.

5 out of 10

Shoot 'Em Up

One of the great things about seeing so many movies is that sometimes I am glad to see just a so-so movie. Shoot ‘Em Up can settle itself in a nice spot right in the middle of the list. You know … spread itself out and share stories with the rest of the mediocre movies of 2007. The highest praise I can possible give for this movie is that it will definitely improve when you watch it 10 minutes at a time on cable. Conversely, watching Shoot ‘Em Up straight through in one sitting does not leave you feeling like you just saw anything worth remembering or even spending a single brain cell on.

Clive Owen may have become the go-to actor when the role calls for weathered, shadowy, long coat wearing, disgruntled anti-hero, but Smith in Shoot ‘Em Up was a Xerox of a Xerox. It was closer to a Clive Owen impression rather than anything else. Still who doesn't like Clive Owen? Seriously? Your opinion is now worthless to me. On the other hand, Paul Giamatti gets to play the most un-Paul Giamatti character he has ever had the chance to portray. That is probably the reason why he ended up in this. He saw the opportunity to be a crazed lunatic instead of downtrodden guy, or some guys best friend. Not the best performance of his career but at least its memorable with his wacky one-liners and manic facial expressions. The only other person worth mentioning is Monica Bellucci and I have now mentioned her. That wasn't nice. She is great in her role as hooker. Sorry, lactating hooker. Yeah don't look at me, I didn't

Since the actors weren’t the problem with Shoot ‘Em Up, I’d place the blame on the story since this movie felt more like an excuse to create elaborate gunfights. Then someone went back and backfilled all the reasons why these crazy action scenes were occurring. And by backfill I mean Madlibs. Don’t get me wrong; when I'm watching this for the 47th time on one of the six Cinemaxes the shoot-outs will still be fun. My assumption is that the writer/director, Michael Davis, played a helluvalot of video games while imagining this movie. Actually the use of a carrot as a murder weapon in multiple scenes couldn’t have originated from a video game so maybe Mr. Davis is just insane. Hmm lactating hookers, using a bullet to severe an umbilical cord, yes crazy is an acceptable explanation. There really isn’t much more to be said about the story. It seems to exist in the fabulous alternate reality where massive levels of violence take place around every corner. Fully trained assassins and mercenaries are available in large quantities. If only it were true. If only…

You would think Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, gunfights, Monica Bellucci hooker, what could go wrong. Yeah well don't get your hopes up kid The gunfights weren't even good enough to make the whole thing worthwhile. Off you go Shoot 'Em Up straight into the mediocre basket.

5 out of 10

3:10 to Yuma

Man, so freaking close to being that first 10 out of 10 flick for 2007. That means 3:10 to Yuma is another great movie that falls just short of hitting every note. But those 2 sentences will be the extent of my whining in this review. I will take some time to explain why the ending misplaced its logic along the way but it will be written in the form of a critique and not the words of a petulant child. Anywho Russell Crowe and Christian Bale in a rare legit Western, that alone brings me through the door.

I never list Russell Crowe as one of my favorite actors, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t one of the best actors working today. The man is completely in his prime and performs on a level that few can reach. His work in 3:10 to Yuma may not best Gladiator but it sure as hell is better than Virtuosity. Yes I am bashing Virtuosity again and yes this will not be the last time it is mentioned this year. You just wait for American Gangster when the dream team of Crowe and Denzel reunite on the 12-year anniversary of that masterpiece. Man, I cannot believe that has been 12 years since Virtuosity stole Christmas for the entirety of Whoville. So … back to 3:10 to Yuma, Crowe is able to make Ben Wade just the right amount of evil while still having the intelligence to be in control of nearly every situation he faces. Even when he spends nearly 2/3rds of the movie in shackles, you still feel that he is the one calling the shots. You see him working the angles with every single one of his captors, you see him pocket the fork during dinner, you see how even when he kills it is fast and serves a purpose, and even though it strained credibility in the end, Crowe is able to show the growing changes in his relationship with Christian Bale’s Dan Evans. This is definitely one of the best performances that will show up this year. Even though I spent a large chunk of space on Crowe that is not to say that Bale did not hold up his end of the bargain. Christian Bale is like a character actor who has somehow been able to not get stuck with that tag and become a headliner. He is always solid. Bale has definitely become the go-to actor if you need to cast a one-legged Civil War veteran who can no longer support his family. I enjoyed the desperation that is constantly beneath the surface for Bale throughout 3:10 to Yuma. Because once again when the climax of the film shows up, you better be attached to the characters since the storyline is not going to hold up to intense scrutiny.

There are 2 more actors that I need to highlight. It is always nice to see Peter Fonda. Even better when he gets to play a bastard Pinkerton hired to take down Ben Wade. Like the great Al Sweargen would say “Pinkerton cocksucker”. Fonda meets a worthy end to his character. "Even bad men love their mamas." Great line. The other name that needs to be mentioned is Ben Foster. I don’t know where he has been hiding this performance, but 3:10 to Yuma is easily the best thing I have ever seen him in. If Ben Wade is evil, Charlie Prince is downright psychotic. And this isn’t just because of the body count; there were always bad intentions behind Foster’s eyes. Plus he killed Luke Wilson, which was sad because Luke seemed to be having a good time messing around in the Old West. There were multiple actors performing at the top of their games here.

Screw it, I held it together long enough. Why the hell was Crowe following Bale through town once the bullets started flying? I can understand a growing respect that leads to not wanting to see the man killed, but actively helping your captor? Was it that difficult to end this story? Damnit, the ending is so important to get right and it fouled up what could have been a classic.

Now that I get that out of my system, 3:10 to Yuma kicked a large quantity of ass. I have always been partial to Westerns, mainly because when they are done right they are so damn awesome, so I was already excited before the trailers ended. Then throw in some great performances headlined by Crowe and I have no real complaints. Don’t take my bitching about the ending seriously, 3:10 to Yuma is worthy of paying for admission and a great start to the home stretch of 2007.

9 out of 10

Second Act Over the Last 5 Years

Now its time to judge the Summer movies of this year to the previous 5 years. Get ready for some badass lists.

2007

1. Talk to Me (9)
2. The Bourne Ultimatum (9)
3. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (9)
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (8)
5. Stardust (8)
6. Rescue Dawn (8)
7. Superbad (8)
8. Ocean's Thirteen (8)
9. Hairspray (8)
10. Live Free or Die Hard (7)
11. The Simpsons Movie (7)
12. Spider-Man 3 (6)
13. Mr. Brooks (6)
14. DOA: Dead or Alive (6)
15. Transformers (6)
16. 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (5)
17. Halloween (5)

Average Rating: 7.24

2006

1. A Scanner Darkly (9)
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (8)
3. Miami Vice (8)
4. Little Miss Sunshine (8)
5. The Descent (8)
6. An Inconvenient Truth (8)
7. Mission: Impossible III (7)
8. Superman Returns (7)
9. Clerks II (7)
10. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (7)
11. The Da Vinci Code (6)
12. The Break-Up (6)
13. X-Men: The Last Stand (6)
14. Waist Deep (5)
15. Click (5)
16. The Omen (5)
17. Snakes on a Plane (5)
18. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (4)
19. Poseidon (4)
20. Idlewild (4)
21. Lady in the Water (4)

Average Rating: 6.24

2005

1. Batman Begins (10)
2. Layer Cake (9)
3. Cinderella Man (9)
4. Hustle & Flow (8)
5. Mr. & Mrs. Smith (8)
6. Wedding Crashers (8)
7. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (8)
8. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (8)
9. Broken Flowers (8)
10. 2046 (8)
11. Unleashed (8)
12. Four Brothers (8)
13. Kingdom of Heaven (7)
14. The Devil's Rejects (7)
15. War of the Worlds (6)
16. The Brothers Grimm (6)
17. The 40 Year Old Virgin (6)
18. The Longest Yard (6)
19. The Dukes of Hazzard (6)
20. Kicking & Screaming (6)
21. The Island (6)
22. Fantastic Four (5)
23. Sky High (5)

Average Rating: 7.22

2004

1. Spider-Man 2 (10)
2. The Bourne Supremacy (9)
3. Collateral (9)
4. Crash (9)
5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (9)
6. Garden State (8)
7. The Manchurian Candidate (8)
8. Maria Full of Grace (8)
9. I, Robot (7)
10. Anchorman: The Legend of the Ron Burgundy (7)
11. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (7)
12. Super Size Me (7)
13. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (7)
14. The Terminal (7)
15. Troy (7)
16. Coffee and Cigarettes (6)
17. King Arthur (6)
18. Van Helsing (6)
19. Without a Paddle (6)
20. The Chronicles of Riddick (5)
21. The Day After Tomorrow (5)
22. Fahrenheit 9/11 (5)
23. Napolean Dynamite (5)
24. AVP: Alien vs. Predator (4)
25. The Village (3)
26. Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2)
27. Catwoman (2)

Average Rating: 6.44

2003

1. X2 (10)
2. Whale Rider (10)
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (9)
4. 28 Days Later... (8)
5. Bend It Like Beckham (8)
6. Open Range (8)
7. The Italian Job (8)
8. The Matrix Reloaded (7)
9. Swimming Pool (7)
10. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (7)
11. S.W.A.T. (7)
12. Seabiscuit (6)
13. Hulk (6)
14. Bruce Almighty (6)
15. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (6)
16. 2 Fast 2 Furious (5)
17. American Wedding (5)
18. Hollywood Homicide (5)
19. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (4)
20. Bad Boys II (2)
21. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (1)

Average Rating: 6.43

2002

1. Hero (10)
2. Road to Perdition (9)
3. Signs (9)
4. Spider-Man (8)
5. The Sum of All Fears (8)
6. K-19: The Widowmaker (8)
7. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (8)
8. Insomnia (7)
9. Minority Report (7)
10. Undercover Brother (7)
11. Austin Powers in Goldmember (6)
12. Men in Black II (5)
13. Mr. Deeds (5)
14. Scooby-Doo (4)
15. xXx (3)
16. Enough (2)
17. Bad Company (1)

Average Rating: 6.30

First thing I noticed is that I am about 5ish movies behind and that is influencing the average rating. Due to cable and whatnot I will end up seeing a bunch of crap that came out this summer and it will probably lower the average. But that hasn't happened yet so I can only judge what I have seen so far. An that judgment lands 2007 in first place by a hair over 2005. They are very similar years although I would take 2005 since it has Batman Begins and Layer Cake which are both better than anything I saw in 2007. And wow last year was just awful with only a handful of great movies and an endless supply of mediocre. Looking back 2004 might have the best selection at the top (Spider-Man 2, The Bourne Supremacy, Collateral, my favorite Harry Potter, and Garden State which I have probably seen 100 times) yet since I have seen 27 movies released between May and August of that year and that is just too many flicks to keep a high average.

I don't like all these numbers telling me how great 2007 is, yet the best movie I have seen is Zodiac and the best blockbuster was The Bourne Ultimatum neither of which I would be comfortable with being #1 for the year.

The 2007 List (10)

1. Zodiac
2. The Lookout
3. Talk to Me
4. The Bourne Ultimatum
5. Grindhouse
6. Breach
7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
8. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
9. Hot Fuzz
10. Stardust
11. Reign Over Me
12. Rescue Dawn
13. 300
14. Black Snake Moan
15. Superbad
16. Hairspray
17. Ocean's Thirteen
18. Live Free or Die Hard
19. The Simpsons Movie
20. Spider-Man 3
21. Mr. Brooks
22. Smokin' Aces
23. Transformers
24. DOA
25. Shooter
26. Halloween
27. Blades of Glory
28. Reno 911!: Miami
29. 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
30. The Condemned
31. Ghost Rider
32. Pathfinder

So August was a damn decent follow-up to the great month of July. What started off as a sketchy summer, ended up being strong showing. Another month has passed and I still don't have a signature film for all of 2007 and I highly doubt that September will provide me with what I am looking for. Then again maybe 3:10 to Yuma, The Brave One, or much needed third Resident Evil flick will take the ball and run with it. Well I'll know soon enough.

Halloween

I never claimed that all my decisions were worthwhile. For a minute there, I was legitimately excited for Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween. Looking back on it, I can’t give you a really good reason for my anticipation. The Devil’s Rejects was a good time but it didn’t exactly change my life. Well, it did show me how not to be a deranged serial killer. That was helpful. Sadly Zombie’s version of Halloween never really made it to that next level. In the end it was just another body count flick with Sabretooth running around in a mask.

The original Halloween was more psychological drama than blood-soaked slasher. I never saw the rest of the god-awful franchise but since the remake was based on the first movie everything else is irrelevant. Zombie definitely played homage to original, he just added in details that weren’t there 30 years ago. Of course everything he created was a bit more twisted than anything John Carpenter filmed. Now Michael Myers’s mother is a stripper (of course played by his wife Sheri Moon), prior to being arrested and locked up Michael adds 3 more to the body count besides his naked sister, then there was about 5 more bodies while he was in the insane asylum, and there is another murder at a truck stop, but once Michael returns to Haddonfield Zombie doesn’t alter the story all that much. My main problem with Zombie’s version is that he removed what I felt was the best part of the original Halloween. Carpenter kept Myers in the shadows until about the last third of the film. With the excessive violence that occurred with the 10 year-old Michael and then all the killings within asylum, there wasn’t the same build-up of tension once he started stalking the soon to be naked teenagers. You know what he can and will eventually do to everyone left alive. I will admit that Mr. Zombie has a flare for visualizing brutality. So even though it may have hurt the overall film, watching Michael beat the school bully to death or his stalking of all the people he hates in his house were all shot from interesting angles. In fact all of the violence looks good even though there is just too damn much of it.

I will give credit to the remake for recreating many of the scenes from the original. It is still Laurie Strode and her 2 friends being stalked at the end, Myers does show up in the many of the same places, one of the boyfriends is still stabbed through the chest and hung on the wall, Myers still dresses like a ghost before killing one of the girls, many of the famous lines are repeated, Zombie doesn't screw with music too much (well except for having Love Hurts playing in the scene when 10 year-old Michael decides to kill everyone in the house because his Halloween was ruined), and thankfully there is still tons of nudity. There were also 2 great casting choices. Malcolm McDowell takes on the role of the Dr. Loomis and goes from hippy doctor to silver haired hollow man who spent his professional career studying Myers. And I was even more excited that Doc from Deadwood was the Sheriff. I cannot think of a situation where Deadwood actors show up and not immediately improve my spirits. Still Doc’s appearance could only help so much; in the end Halloween was just another slasher flick.

Although Halloween has no chance of even cracking the top half of 2007, there will be much worse films beneath it. This was a completely acceptable body count movie. Michael Myers brutalized and mutilates a mess load of people. Zombie has a way with violence so it never gets boring. In the end Halloween is just dragged down because the original was just plain better. Still everyone loves a good stabbing so this will not hurt for an audience.

5 out of 10

Superbad

Well I think it was about time that I saw a really good straight-up comedy this year. Shockingly Blades of Glory didn't get the job done for me. Superbad may not be my favorite type of movie, but it is still nice to go to the theater and laugh and be merry. Plus I just can’t say no to 184 f-bombs; Superbad was beautifully vulgar. This may not have been the most original story but the funny stuff was funny enough to push the whole thing over the top for me.

An explantion is probably necessary to begin this review. I have not been aboard the Judd Apatow bandwagon. Seeing the Will Ferrell movies puts me at about 50%, but I still haven’t sat down and watched The 40 Year Old Virgin straight through and I completely missed Knocked Up. Yet I couldn’t say no to Superbad. Maybe it was the 70s style advertising because it definitely wasn’t the cast. Not knocking any of them, but prior to Superbad I wouldn’t have been waiting in line because their name was on the poster. Well maybe I should be kinder to Michael Cera, I did know that he was talented but then again I didn’t watch Arrested Development with any regularity. Shows how much I cared. He definitely shows that he has all the skills to be to starring in funny pictures for decades to come. It is all about awkwardness and perfect timing. The health class line killed me dead. Plus he was actually sympathetic unlike Jonah Hill’s asshole character. Thankfully he had enough funny lines to at least even out the complete dickishness of his actions. He should have got arrested over that line about scratching his back. What a prick. And in no universe does he get that girl in the end. I feel that this is misleading the youth of America. As for McLovin, I can see it getting old after repeat viewings but for now it may have been the best arc of the movie. That could have been because I thought the scenes with the police officers were actually funny and didn’t hurt the movie. Just there constant use of the name McLovin, the dragging him out of the party in handcuffs scene, and another of my favorite lines, “I’m sorry that I blocked your cock.” On top of all that vulgarity, there is a nice message about the perils of teenage drinking and something about friendship ... maybe I don’t know I think the two of them did something inappropriate in the basement at the end of the day.

So Superbad was really fricking funny. There was a tremendous completion percentage on the jokes which always makes for a better movie. And lots and lots of profanity. I loves me some swear words. Hence I liked Superbad and am completely okay with it making a shitload of cash.

8 out of 10

Stardust

You had me at similar to The Princess Bride. It is rare that a movie is made that can be seriously compared to that classic. Then throw in that the director is Matthew Vaughn who is the man behind one of my favorite movies of the last few years, Layer Cake, and my presence was guaranteed. Did Stardust live up to whatever insane expectations my brain concocted? Probably not, but it was still a really good film that nearly captured the same tone that made The Princess Bride so memorable.

Stardust is not the most easily definable film I have ever seen. Is adult fantasy a movie genre or just a category of pornography? This was a fun 2-hour journey into a different world without pandering to the younger folk. The characters were interesting, the acting was strong, and the story held together even with all the ridiculousness flying around. I am going to put the success of this movie on Matthew Vaughn. There may be some bias from my love of Layer Cake, but he keeps this movie steady by concentrating on the characters instead of the magical world they inhabit. Skipping Robert De Niro for the time being, the most memorable performance clearly came from Michelle Pfeiffer. I praised her work in Hairspray where she played an evil bitch, well this time she is an actual evil witch and plays it to the limit. She seems to glory in stooping around as the dried up aging witch. I wanted to talk about Pfeiffer before De Niro because I still have no idea how to judge his work here. Robert De Niro gay sky pirate is definitely something that stays with you. The problem is that it is so distracting that it is the only thing I remember from those scenes. That’s Vito Corleone/Travis Bickle/Jimmy Conway/Neil McCauley talking with a lisp and wearing a dress. Umm…at least its better than wasting his talents on Meet the Parents. Charlie Cox and Claire Danes have just the right chemistry as the bickering leads that eventually live happily ever after. For Danes this may have been as good as her work in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines but I don’t want to go on record with that. I have no idea who Charlie Cox is but from this point forward I can use Stardust as a reference. The rest of the characters are predominately there for comic relief, which is okay since most of the jokes work. You have the 100-year old man who uses martial arts to guard the wall, all of the princes killing each other, Pfeiffer turning the goat into a man who acts like a goat and turning a man into a woman who is immediately intrigued by his new female body, De Niro trying really hard to be butch in front of his crew, and all of Ricky Gervais’ too few scenes. If only there was Andre the Giant, this could have been a classic movie.

I already know that Stardust will be a film that I will watch over and over again once it pops up on cable. It has just enough depth to so the story works but never takes itself seriously. All the actors are having fun which always helps with this type of movie. Plus I now have another director whose work I can eagerly anticipate. I can't ask for much more than that.

8 out of 10

The Bourne Ultimatum

And so arrives the steadiest franchise to hit theaters this summer. There has been minimal change in quality for the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is right in line with The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. There really is no room for a quantum leap in quality I am already completely satisfied with previous films; instead I’m stuck hoping that this time around shit doesn’t go sour. Thankfully Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are more than up to the challenge.

So has anything changed from 2 to 3? The answer is no. Does that matter? The answer once again is no. This is one of those rare times when the lack of change was a good thing. You have great characters, why change? You have a good approach to action scenes, why change? You have Greengass’s seizure inducing visual style, why change? Of course what was missing was 3 to 4 musical numbers, maybe a running time of 3 and half hours, and definitely more shit should have blown up, but I never said The Bourne Ultimatum was perfect. What it did provide was another chapter in the continuing story of Jason Bourne. And it is the continuity of characters and plot that lifts the series as a whole. The timeline is real tight for this go around. I liked that the entire movie takes place in between the Russian climax and the New York epilogue of the second movie. So what at first was just a slick ending to The Bourne Supremacy now takes on a deeper meaning. Although some points have to be docked for the NYC scene taking place in the summer in Supremacy and the winter in Ultimatum plus I think the phone buzzed in one and rang in the other but hey it was all about the effort. I also applaud them going through and completing the amnesia plotline. In the end Jason Bourne now knows he is David Webb and has regained his memories plus everyone within the government who took part in his brainwashing, from the upper levels of the CIA to the lead doctor, have all been brought to justice. This leads them without a clear reason for a fourth film and hopefully that convinces them not to slowly bleed this great franchise to death. As for the characters, I couldn’t be happier with what went down in Ultimatum. Damn near everyone was either brought back or at least shown onscreen and there was no better moment for me than when the Black Briar files were being looked over and Adebisi flashed onscreen for a second. That was in addition to having Brian Cox’s taped confession from Supremacy being played along with the continual mentions and flashbacks to Franka Potente’s Marie. The still breathing characters brought back were Julia Stiles, Joan Allen, and Joan Allen’s assistant guy. Allen’s Pamela Landy was a legit callback since she is high up enough in the CIA for her to be brought in when Bourne pops back up. I can’t say the same for Stiles’s Nicky Parsons. It didn’t ruin the story or anything, but it is hilarious that of all the foreign CIA offices Bourne breaks into he just happens to stumble upon the office that Nicky works in. Really? Ah well, at least she wasn’t brought back to be Bourne’s new girl. Marie’s body is barely cold. I should spend a couple sentences praising Matt Damon. This character just plays to his strengths. Bourne is not loud or flashy; instead Damon gets to be a taciturn ex-assassin who is always in control while still conveying the inner turmoil he is constantly going through. Plus he violently kicks people asses without being showy. The action is made even better by the work of the director Paul Greengrass whose frenetic camera style fits perfectly with Bourne’s actions. So instead of long drawn out kung fu one on ones, Bourne dispatches everyone in 1 or 2 moves with the editing making everything move faster. Even when there is a longer fight the violence is amplified by Greengrass so that when Bourne is forced to kill again you see the effort it takes and the emotional toll it took out of him. I really couldn't ask for more out this movie.

It may have taken the whole summer but The Bourne Ultimatum finally gave me a big flashy film that delivered everything that I wanted. What a wonderful thing. They were able to close out the trilogy with another strong entry that includes the same levels of tension, violence, and chase scenes. The whole thing just brings a smile to my face.

9 out of 10

The 2007 List (9)

1. Zodiac
2. The Lookout
3. Talk to Me
4. Grindhouse
5. Breach
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
8. Hot Fuzz
9. Reign Over Me
10. Rescue Dawn
11. 300
12. Black Snake Moan
13. Hairspray
14. Ocean's Thirteen
15. Live Free or Die Hard
16. The Simpsons Movie
17. Spider-Man 3
18. Mr. Brooks
19. Smokin's Aces
20. Transformers
21. DOA
22. Shooter
23. Blades of Glory
24. Reno 911!: Miami
25. 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
26. The Condemned
27. Ghost Rider
28. Pathfinder

July was a kickass month. It righted the 2007 ship. I am still looking for that perfect 10 movie to grab a hold of the number 1 slot. I know American Gangster, There Will be Blood, Charlie Wilson's War, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, among others are still looming but the year needs a defining movie to lead to top what is a large amount of 8s and 9s I have seen this year. Still this is better than 1 great movie and a large amount of refuse backing it up.

Talk to Me

When a movie of this quality fails to find any sort of audience, I die a little inside. You can chalk it up to a summer release if you want but I would guess that if this showed up in November it would not have made a difference. Outside of Don Cheadle getting a nomination no one will make the effort. Damn you movie going audience; Talk to Me deserved better.

If for some reason you haven’t been convinced yet, Don Cheadle is one of the most talented actors working today. That type of praise is thrown around a lot, with me being a very guilty party, but damn the man is good. And thankfully he consistently finds projects that actually put his skills to use; a big plus when comparing actors. I may not have known anything about Petey Greene but I would wager a guess that Don freaking nailed it. And even if he wasn’t true to life it was a great performance. From the moment he walks on screen he is in control, starts talking, and never stops. Yes the clothes help. And yes the music helps. But Cheadle plays every note perfectly. Nothing feels forced or incredibly over-the-top. This is especially obvious when Petey goes on the air immediately after Martin Luther King Jr. is assassinated and he becomes the calming influence for Washington D.C. The quiet emotion is there without Cheadle overplaying his hand. Then as Petey becomes a national name, you can see the downfall without it feeling too obvious. Don Cheadle is fricking awesome and deserves some level of accolade for this performance.

I would have been content with just praising Cheadle but Talk to Me is such a great movie because he was not working in a vacuum. Chiwetel Ejiofor nearly matches Cheadle step for step. His role may have been more understated but it is the chemistry between the DJ and his manager that drives the story. You can see Ejiofor’s manipulations and you also see how blind he was to their effects on Petey. Everything comes together in the final pool hall scene between the two of them and they both play it perfectly. Another key player pushing Cheadle to higher levels is Taraji Henson. I’ve always liked Taraji and she is completely insane here. She tears into the hair and clothes of the 60s and 70s. I also have to at least mention Martin Sheen, Cedric the Entertainer and hey what the hell I am feeling generous Mike Epps. The performances may be what I am concentrating on but the story being told is worth the price of admission. Petey Greene was a groundbreaking disc jockey that made his name as a black advocate when that was still a risky proposition and following his career rise and fall is constantly intriguing.

This will probably end up as the best movie I see all summer. I was looking forward to Talk to Me but it easily surpassed my expectations. Don Cheadle turns in another top shelf performance while not a single damn person paid to see the movie. And since it took me a full month to see it, I nearly became one of those fine people that I am trashing. Hopefully someone else somewhere else enjoyed this film too.

9 out of 10

Rescue Dawn

You tell me that there is a movie where Christian Bale eats bugs AND drops enough weight to reach visible ribcage level well I’m there. Rescue Dawn delivered all that and a good movie on top. It was quite literally more than I could ever ask for in a cinema experience. That's obviously a lie but the point is this was a really well done prison escape story and with some great work by Bale.

Christian Bale has become one of those actors that I seek out whenever his name is listed at the top of the bill. This may not have been a one-man show, but Mr. Bale did the majority of the heavy lifting in Rescue Dawn. He is more than up to the task; on top of having a commanding presence, the man is always willing to drop weight for a role. This time around, since his character is as a normal American pilot, he starts the movie at a normal soldier weight. But by the end of the film he has been in a prisoner camp for many months so enter the walking skeleton. The first third of the movie is all Bale. He starts as the happy soldier who just wants to fly, then after being shot down he becomes the bewildered man trying to survive in the jungles of Laos. His naivety over the whole situation is what differentiates Rescue Dawn from other POW movies that I have seen. From the moment he is captured, Bale looks like he is bemused over what is happening to him. This continues once he is imprisoned in an actual camp with other men in varies stages of desperation. Everyone else has given up any realistic hope of escape while Bale walks in certain of the fact that he won’t be staying long. The friendship he develops with Steve Zahn and the hostility with Jeremy Davies drives the middle of the film. These were your basic prisoner camp scenes but Bale’s interaction with everyone else makes scenes of hunger and desperate escape planning work here. A lot of it is Bale’s leadership but Zahn’s childlike behavior and Davies’ paranoia while looking like Charles Manson really bring these scenes to another level. One of the problems of this film was that it was based on the true story of Bale’s character. This meant that I knew he was going to eventually get out of the camp and find his way home. I may not have known what would happen to everyone else, and I DEFINITELY wasn’t expecting decapitation, but I was never really on the edge of my seat. Once the breakout happens all of the supporting characters leave the story and it refocuses on Bale and Zahn. The last section of the movie is more great work by Bale with his growing sense of desperation as he runs out of ways to leave the jungle alive. These scenes look great because it is obvious that they filmed in a real dense jungle and you get a feel of just how difficult survival must have been. Once the rescue happens the story is wrapped up with a few light moments involving Bale’s friends slipping him away from the CIA and the heartwarming reception on his aircraft carrier.

Rescue Dawn may not be a movie that will stay with more for the rest of the my life, but it was a really good POW story. Plus I am now firmly a member of the Christian Bale fan club so I definitely enjoyed his work. Finally in a summer that has just churned out Hollywood blockbusters it is nice, and by nice I mean random and weird, to see such a tight little independent flick thrown out in July.

8 out of 10

The Simpsons Movie

There really is not much to say about The Simpsons Movie. I have already watched 400+ episodes of the show over the last 2 decades. Although it was nice to not only get a Simpsons movie but to get a Simpsons movie that was actually funny. 15 years ago the quality of a big-screen version would never have been questioned, but as the years have gone by the batting average for the show has dropped to where this movie was not a sure thing. This may not have been the Stonecutters but it was well worth the price of admission.

As is the case with the vast majority of The Simpsons episodes, the starting point is Homer is retarded. For the movie you get Homer falling in love with a pig, hanging naked Bart out to dry, ignoring Lisa’s pleas to keep the lake clean, and all that before the movie kicks into gear. The Homer and Bart dare contest that lead to Bart skating naked through Springfield was hilarious. I have no idea why they thought the movie needed full frontal Bart nudity, but there you go. Homer’s mistreatment of Bart led to the even better scenes between Bart and Flanders. These were some of the best jokes of the movie; Ned preparing the greatest hot chocolate ever, Bart going into the being throttled pose after losing Ned’s fishing pole, and all of Bart’s taunting of Homer with the picture of Homer drawn to look like Flanders. That doesn’t even include my favorite Bart scene in the whole movie where he is cocked out of his mind off of an airplane liquor bottle. Drunk children are always comedy gold. Back to Homer, of course he gets the vast majority of the jokes. There were definitely more hits than misses. All the pig jokes were funny, Homer versus the lynching mob, his escape plan out of America to Alaska, his hallucinations leading to his epiphany, and his opposite of ingenious plan to get back into the dome. Lisa and Marge get their own little subplots, which play out like all of their stories over the years. Lisa’s is superfluous and not that funny and Marge’s storyline is heartfelt and also not that funny. One of the bad things about the movie is that the creators wanted to include every single secondary character that has ever been in the show, so none of them get really more than the occasional one liner. Obviously the one liners are great, especially Ralph saying he likes men now after seeing Bart skate by naked, but come on Burns’ best line doesn’t happen until the credits. So much wasted talent. Still it was nice that they didn’t take up any space with celebrity guest stars. Albert Brooks doesn’t count because he is awesome and should always be a part of the show whenever possible. And the Tom Hanks scene was splendid. I loved that when he brushed the kid’s hair little stars popped up. All in all a really good extended episode.

Hey, I’m not complaining here. I will always love The Simpsons. It just may be my favorite television show of all time. But that is working against it here. I have hundreds of nearly perfect half-hour shows to remind me of its greatness. So the movie shows up and it is good but it had no chance of being more than a worthwhile hour and a half version of the show. There is always a chance that this could lead to a resurgence in show’s quality but I won’t hold my breath.

7 out of 10

Hairspray

Alright so once again I am faced with a dilemma. On one hand I totally hate musicals but then on the other hand I loved Hairspray. So I think that means I hate myself. Hmm … probably true. This was just a fun movie from the moment it began. It was lighthearted and goofy while have a real message at the heart of things. Until I saw Hairspray I never knew that racism was bad.

I am just not prepared to write a glowing review of Hairspray. This is a struggle. Yes there was singing. And yes there was dancing. In fact they were done in some form of combination throughout the film. Nikki Blonsky is the unknown cast in the lead role and she just dives in headfirst. She is singing, dancing, and acting like an escaped mental patient from the first scene. No sane human being smiles as much as that girl. Then again without her acting this way I would never have heard my favorite line of the summer, “I wish every day were Negro Day!” The other great part about the main character was that her best friend was in the majority of scenes and Amanda Bynes was that best friend. I am now a lifelong fan. Where in the blue hell did this come from? I know she has been on television for the last 10 years but I never watched any of her shows. Or I make it a point not to admit to following the career paths of barely teenage girls. Could be A or it could be B. This time around it was all about the vacant stare and pigtails. Then every thing turned deliciously weird when her crazy mother tied her to bed, splashed holy water on her, and called her devil child. Fan-freaking-tastic. Since John Travolta got most of the press I guess I should at least mention him. He put on a fat suit and a wig and was still John Travolta even if he was supposed to be a fat woman. But then he danced with Christopher Walken and it was appropriately uncomfortable. I would have been offended if this movie took place and Walken was not brought on board. Michelle Pfeiffer and Queen Latifah fill the last 2 significant parent roles. Hairspray is the first of Pfeiffer’s back-to-back evil bitch roles this summer; later on she becomes an actual witch in Stardust. Not a bad deal for someone who has been away for nearly 5 years. I do take that back if she is actually this racist in real life because that’s not cool. As for the Queen, there definitely could have been more Queen but I won’t hold that against the film. Everyone who takes the lead in song or dance deserves a mention so good job Cyclops, dude from High School Musical, a girl who was not Ashanti in John Tucker Must Die, and a black dude named Seaweed. Not only is Seaweed one of the better names I have ever heard but also the man has most of the best dance scenes. Final praise goes to John Waters cameo as the flasher since it was nice to see the man who directed the original movie take part in the musical remake.

Hairspray was a great movie. Unexpected surprise does not even cut it. I legitimately enjoyed it. Still it is a musical so it gets the same treatment as animated movies and the like; I grade on a sliding scale. Hairspray tops the scale but the top only reaches 8 not 10. This would have to be some life changing singing and dancing for me to bring a musical up to 10.

8 out of 10

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Now we are hitting the home stretch. The characters are in place and manned by either top notch actors or young’uns that are actually improving as the franchise moves along. While there is still plenty of talking to get across the plot, we are well into the zone of major action set pieces for each movie. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix suffers from being an obvious middle chapter so there was not much of a conclusion. Still that does not deter it from rising nearly to the top of the franchise (although I still have The Prisoner of Azkaban in the first slot).

The Harry Potter directing merry-go-round stops in front of David Yates (who? yeah I don't know either) this time. So it is up to him to pull off the full transition from kids games to life and death political struggle. Whereas The Goblet of Fire ends with copious amounts of shit hitting various fans, but it is The Order of the Phoenix that is 95% political intrigue and 5% Harry likes girls. That is one of the better parts of the movie distillation process, while much of the book is spent with Harry and Cho, the screenwriter took a chainsaw to it and mashed it into 10 minutes of screen-time. That left Yates with the meatier topics of Harry’s growing insanity, Umbridge’s takeover of Hogwarts, and the whup-ass Ministry of Magic battle. As luck would have it, he is able to nail all three. In fact, I was shocked with how well the connection between Voldermort and Harry’s mind was portrayed. Maybe it was the increasing skill of Daniel Radcliffe but the scene where he is finally face-to-face with Dumbledore after Nagini’s attack on Arthur Weasley is probably Radcliffe’s best acting in the series so far. This segue ways into the always great, but always minimal, Alan Rickman scenes. I would have been in favor of more Snape breaking into Harry’s mind but we only get a couple of practices then to make things worse they botched Snape’s worst memory by cutting out Harry’s mom. Ah well that’s why the book is better. Moving along to Dolores Umbridge, Imelda Staunton is just another insanely talented Brit who has been brought into the fold. And she must have done a hell of a job because I hated her on film nearly as much as I hated her in the book. Once again Yates did right by doing justice to the detention torture scene of Harry carving "I will not tell lies" into the back of his hand. God what a piece of shit, Grawp should have eaten her. Now the Ministry of Magic showdown was another part of the movie that completely exceeded my expectations. Well to be specific, Dumbledore versus Voldermort was finally a fully realized wizard duel and it looked damn sweet. Ralph Fiennes is turning Lord Voldermort into one of the best villains in cinematic history. He is having way too much fun being a human/snake hybrid. He is going to dominate The Half-Blood Prince (this does depend on child casting though) and The Deathly Hallows. As for my man, Michael Gambon, he continues to piss off Harry Potter fans while simultaneously making me more and more a fan of his version of Dumbledore. Dumbledore’s an asshole and I am glad that Gambon anticipated the book seven revelations or fell assbackwards into them … whatever.

All that is left is to praise the rest of the cast. Although I preferred crazy dirty and emaciated Gary Oldman in The Prisoner of Azkaban, it is still Gary Oldman and he gets almost 20 minutes worth of acting time before biting it. Sadly, Sirius’s death scene was another misstep. It happened too fast and there wasn’t the emotion that there should have been. Still it ain't Oldman's fault. The always fantastic Emma Thompson gets a nice Trelawney getting sacked scene. I hope they bring back drunk Trelawney hiding her booze in The Half-Blood Prince. I am going to continue listing more names. Helena Bonham Carter may have been the only actress who could do Bellatrix Lestrange justice. I loved her running away sing-songing “I killed Sirius Black!” That still leaves Maggie Smith, Robbie Coltrane, Brendan Gleeson, David Thewlis, George Harris, Julie Walters, and Jason Isaacs fill out the ridiculous cast and make me love England which in turn makes me feel bad about the Revolutionary War. As for the teens running around in the major roles, Dan Radcliffe is starting to show signs of being a damn decent actor. Everyone else is fine, maybe nothing to write home about but they don’t cause scenes to grind to a halt. Overall this was a fine entry to the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was exactly what I hoped it would be. It was right in line with the rest of the franchise while still being able to shift focus to more serious political topics and Harry’s increasing isolation. Plus I was very pleased that the Ministry of Magic battle was done like a badass action scene, which it was. Now I am even more excited for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Voldermort is my hero.

9 out of 10

Screw You Barone

I suck at this. Instead of banging my head against the wall trying to finish the half-written Die Hard, Harry Potter, and Bourne reviews, I am just going to go straight to the current stuff. Hopefully by this time next week I'll have my shit together.

No promises.

Transformers

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I remember next to nothing about the Transformers cartoon. Obviously they are both more than meets the eye and robots in disguise but everyone knows that. Let’s see; after Autobots and Decepticons plus Optimus Prime and Megatron I have no idea what the cartoon was about. So for me Transformers was just the latest Michael Bay movie and there is only so many pixie stix I can eat in one sitting.

Sometimes I wonder if Michael Bay is just screwing with me. All of his movies look, feel, taste, and any other sense you want to include exactly the same. Look, I am not saying that the man is anywhere near the bottom of the directing barrel. Mr. Bay can shoot the hell out of stuff blowing up and vehicles of any sort going really fast. What does that mean for Transformers? Well, it is very purdy. Everything is bright and shiny with the majority of it shot in broad daylight so there was no hiding the robots in the shadows. But that is the best part Transformers … it was pretty on the outside and completely empty on the inside. Don’t get me wrong the cast tries real hard but in the absence of a decent story there are bad jokes and the actors and actresses working really hard to keep this thing above water. The first name to bring up is Shia LaBeouf and all this instantaneous hype over him is almost deserved, which is amazing. I’ve been a fan since Even Stevens but I was also a fan of a young Mario Lopez and Keshia Knight Pulliam so what the hell do I know. Bringing it back to Shia, he is working his ass off trying to make this sub par material work. You have embarrassing eBay names, masturbation jokes, and 20-foot tall robots hiding in his back yard, just real childish shit. That’s not even bringing up John Tuturro’s unexplainable performance, an Autobot “peeing” on Tuturro, and that stupid mini-Decepticon being both cute and evil. There is just way too much bottom feeding humor. Now before there is any confusion, Anthony Anderson should not be tainted by the rest of the humor in this movie. He delivers as usual with his spiel about why he is eating the donuts in the interrogation room. Also applause for the casting of 2 hot females, one who is way way way too old looking to be in high school and another who is takes her place in a long line of way too sexy computer hackers … casting is the best job ever. It is amusing that I have gone this far without even writing about the Transformers themselves. Although I will admit that they were pretty to look at, there were things that just made the robots feel a bit off. Even with all the advances in technology, the Transformers still stick out as obviously computer generated. Maybe I just wanted them to build real robots. My other annoyance with the movie Transformers was that each of them had too much going on visually and once again maybe I just prefer the blocky cartoon versions. Still the voices were fun, well at least when they weren’t saying stupid shit like “my bad”. So overall the whole damn thing was a good looking mixed bag.

Since Transformers was a big deal and made big money, my only hope is that this leads to more live action movies based on the cartoons I grew up with. And now I will list my top five most wanted; M.A.S.K., Voltron, non-Dolph Lundgren He-Man, Smurfs, Thundercats, and an honorable mention to the entire Disney Afternoon. As for Transformers, it was exactly what you would expect from a Michael Bay movie. If you were hoping for something else take a look in the mirror and figure out where you went wrong in life.

6 out of 10

The 2007 List (8)

1. Zodiac
2. The Lookout
3. Grindhouse
4. Breach
5. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6. Hot Fuzz
7. Reign Over Me
8. 300
9. Black Snake Moan
10. Ocean's Thirteen
11. Live Free or Die Hard
12. Spider-Man 3
13. Mr. Brooks
14. Smokin' Aces
15. DOA
16. Shooter
17. Blades of Glory
18. Reno 911!: Miami
19. 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
20. The Condemned
21. Ghost Rider
22. Pathfinder

Reviewing the first 3 Die Hards has absolutely kicked my ass, so I am doing the honorable thing and just giving up for now. I'll get back to them soon enough but I just wanted to get my list updated for the end of June before we hit freaking August. Pssssst as of the end of June this summer sucks. At first I thought my expectations were too high, then I looked at what I have seen since May and yeah that qualifies as suck. Maybe July and August will turn things around. Of course I already know my feelings on a couple of July flicks but I'll keep those to myself for a couple more days.

Live Free or Die Hard

Unfortunately there were many reasons why Live Free or Die Hard was the 4th Die Hard film in name only. The most glaring (double meaning baby) may have been Bruce Willis’s shiny baldhead. That’s not John McClane; that’s just Bruce Willis in an action movie. Still, it was a good summer action movie. Nothing will ever be Die Hard, but I can’t damn this for not being one of the best films ever. Actually I totally can but I choose not to.

It is still John McClane. Well an alternate reality John McClane where he shaved his head and has stopped using R-rated language. That reality must suck. Even with the profanity restrictions, Bruce still got off enough one-liners to put a checkmark in that column. You also got all the requisite McClane getting the hell beat out of him action scenes. There was the shootout at Justin Long’s apartment, the helicopter chase through D.C., the accident in the tunnel, Maggie Q and the elevator shaft (someone was drunk when they wrote this), 18-wheeler vs. fighter plane (that same writer then I got high for this), and finally shooting himself to kill Gabriel. I am not sure if any of these will hold up like the famous sequences previous films but they weren’t awful the first time around. Since I just mentioned him, Justin Long may have not been Sam Jack but he was a really good McClane sidekick. He got nearly as many one-liners as Bruce and got to be the audience member inside the movie who is constantly amazed at what McClane is doing. Plus they casted Kevin Smith as his hacker buddy, that was a lot funnier than expected. Although I am a big fan of Timothy Olyphant, he is freaking Seth Bullock from Deadwood; Thomas Gabriel was not in the same league as Hans and Simon Gruber. He doesn’t do anything wrong but at the same time he is not a memorable villain. It also doesn’t help that the villains are computer hackers and that just doesn’t instill that much fear. It was funny that when the climatic scene began Gabriel’s main scrawny hacker kid was holding a gun and menacing the hostages. Thankfully McClane shot him first before the kid ruined what little credibility the movie had left. This was nearly equaled by the big burly Easter European henchman whipping out his computer to hack into the secret financial information. You gotta be able to multi-task to be a modern day goon. Still, I'm not really complaining since I got a halfway decent action blockbuster.

I’ve touched on a couple of the negatives already but they need to be reiterated. The PG-13 rating is a joke. Now that enough weeks have passed it is clear that lowering the rating was not going to jump this franchise into the $200 million range. I would wager that a hard R might have even helped distinguish it from all the other watered down violence and edited profanity that most action movies contain nowadays. There were also multiple scenes that were filmed with an R rating but were clearly and obviously reedited. So that is why some scenes would have been at home in a 70s kung fu flick. The other annoyance previously mentioned was the lack of any sort of realism in many of the action scenes. The fighter plane sequence from beginning to end wouldn’t have been acceptable in a video game. A fighter plane swooping in between superhighways, an 18-wheeler driving around on a collapsing highway, and the whole surfing the crashing plane were all unbelievably ridiculous. There was also the use of a fire hydrant as a weapon against a helicopter, attacking said helicopter with a car, the whole damn elevator shaft sequence, etc. My final gripe is another worthless movie version of the FBI. It is like a standby plot that can be dropped into any movie. It wasn’t even helpful here because at no point did McClane or his hack buddy not fix things themselves. So why even bother introducing the FBI at all?

Live Fee or Die Hard benefited from my complete lack of faith in them making anything that would approach the first movie. I was willing to be satisfied by just another summer blockbuster and that is exactly what I received. Bruce Willis still has the ability to make these types of movies work and who doesn’t want to see John McClane (or something that at least resembles John McClane) in an action movie one more time?

7 out of 10

4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

So how excited were you when you found out that there was going to be a sequel to Fantastic Four? Yeah, me too. I understand why it was made on an economic level, but no changes were made to the cast or director’s chair? So are we striving for mediocrity now? Shockingly, 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (what a godawful name) was actually an improvement. Although it may be a better installment, it does not move the franchise to a higher step on the comic book movie ladder.

Seeing as the cast was exactly the same, only with an addition of a CGI Silver Surfer, there is not much more to be said this time around. Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans continue to outshine everyone else. Their chemistry even improves this time around. Although the emotional journey of Johnny Storm concluding with him becoming the Super Skrull was not as powerful as intended. The comedic sidekick should stick to the jokey jokes. But just as the good ones improved, the bad may have rotted even more. Jessica Alba is not nor ever will be Susan Storm. And losing 50 more pounds changes nothing … well it may allow her to become invisible without the use of CGI. As for Julian McMahon, why the hell is Dr. Doom spending the majority of the second movie unscarred and out of the mask? That is not the point of the fricking character. Is this so damn difficult to figure out? At least the use of Morpheus as the voice of the Silver Surfer was a decent idea, even if I was waiting for him to talk about the Oracle instead of weak-ass movie Galactus. Plus maybe they boosted the effects budget because the Surfer looked a-ok. Of course the effects will never be confused with Pirates of the Caribbean but they did lower the amount of moments that were Sci-Fi channel worthy. The tone and story felt exactly like the first movie. Once again, that is not what I am looking for but I can appreciate a comic book franchise that does not feel that it is necessary for everything to take place at night or for everyone to be brooding.

Wait a second that was Galactus? Where’s my giant purple space robot being?

Of all the comic book movies that have become franchises, Fantastic Four means the least to me. I have been underwhelmed both times, but at the same time there are so many worse films in theaters that I can’t even build up any real hate for the movies. I assume that there will be more films and until there is a drastic overhaul, like what is going on for the next Hulk movie, I doubt any Fantastic Four movie will ever move past the middling level. Still cross your fingers for the Mole Man next time around.

5 out of 10

Fantastic Four

Due to Hollywood’s desire to turn every single comic book character into a movie franchise, I am going to constantly run into comic book movies that I just don’t care about. Fantastic Four is one of those times. Since I was never a fan of the characters (strike 1), I was dependent on either great casting or a top director … that would be the second and third strike. Sadly Fantastic Four never overcame these obstacles and lived down to all my expectations.

Although I may find many negatives about Fantastic Four, this was nowhere near the basement level of Catwoman, Elecktra, or Batman and Robin. There were actual positives to highlight. Vic Mackey was a damn good choice for Ben Grimm. Maybe I am just that big a fan of Michael Chiklis, but he was able to craft a real performance underneath The Thing suit. That in and of itself was a pleasant surprise since it is nice to have a movie not instantly go for the CGI version of a character like The Thing. The other great casting choice was Chris Evans as Johnny Storm. I wouldn’t go so far as to say something as clichéd as “breakout performance”, but he seems to easily slip into the role of The Human Torch. There will be no more kind words towards the cast of Fantastic Four. The only other praise that I have for the movie was that they got the tone right. This is not a dark and serious comic book. It is bright, shiny, family oriented, and occasionally goofy. This is a change of pace for the usual summer comic book franchises. This allowed Fantastic Four to look and feel different for better or worse. That is to say I much prefer darker films.

Remember all those nice things I said about Chiklis and Evans, well having Julian McMahon behind the mask and making Jessica Alba invisible swung the pendulum well into the negative range. I am not sure which is worse; McMahon’s awful attempt at Victor Von Doom or how once he put the mask on his performance may have gotten worse. There was no intelligence, menace, or even the overbearing personality that make him such a strong character in comics. How the hell do you screw up Dr. Doom? Obviously the answer is giving the role to the dude from Nip/Tuck. Was that the low point? Maybe, but the idea of Jessica Alba as Susan Storm is downright goofy. Let’s see; she doesn’t have the age, complexion, hair color, or presence to inhabit the Invisible Woman but damn she’s hot! Now if you have been keeping track of all the cast members then you realize that Reed Richards is all that’s left. And that is just about all that Ioan Gruffudd brought to the part. So if the 3 main characters are disappointing, I wonder how good the movie will be? Hey it wasn’t all that good! It didn’t even have the decency to be awful. Fantastic Four was just forgettable and that is one of the cardinal sins.

So a Fantastic Four movie was made, I am not denying that. What I am saying is that all it provided was something to look at for 106 minutes then allow it to just drift completely from your memory. And, well, who the hell cares about the Fantastic Four movie? It feels exactly like what it is, something to place hold in between the more important comic franchises.

5 out of 10

DOA: Dead or Alive

Some clarifications are necessary before this review gets to the heart of the matter. There are no good movies to be made based on fighting games. Although there may be a handful of half-assedly interesting characters, there is no real story once you get past the words "kung-fu tournament". DOA: Dead or Alive contains both of these qualities. So I cannot even give you a reason why this movie was made. That’s a lie. It was made because it was awesome. There is no better reason. Another title to add to the awful but fun genre and I thank whichever studio decision maker that fell asleep at the switch allowing this movie its one weekend in theaters.

If I were forced to highlight the defining moment of DOA, it was that when I attempted to see it again a week later it had already been yanked from the cinema. Do you know how poorly a movie has to perform for it to get the axe within a single week? Yeah, that is the quality of DOA. Another highlight is that even with the PG-13 holding them back there was a real attempt to include just as much t & a as the video game. You damn right that means hot chicks in skimpy outfits rolling around with each other … I mean fighting each other. They definitely embraced the video game’s use of scantily clad females even throwing in some beach volleyball. Seeing as I have owned all four DOA games, I am honestly trying to remember if there was ever a point where I imagined a live action movie. The games were always so ridiculous. Yet here it was on the big screen; Kasumi, Tina, Ayane, Helena, Zack, Bass, and just about every other fighter in the history of the series. They even managed a decent batting average with casting and costumes. Kasumi, Tina, Bass, and Hayate were all spot on. While the only real strike out was Hayabusa because really how do you screw up ninja. A couple of others were worth mentioning because Ayane was costumed correctly just the wrong nationality and Helena was casted correctly but not dressed in an evening gown. I did feel that there should have been more or better yet any Lei Fang and the absence of Jann Lee meant no dragon on the interior of his suit jacket. If you added everything up, the DOA equation was hot females and Eric Roberts with an occasional Kevin Nash sighting. That is a dangerous equation but it works when it is Jamie Pressley, Devon Aoki, and all the other no named but nice to watch actresses. And the biggest shock to me was that there were actually some decent fight scenes strewn about the wreckage of the film. And that means whoever did the fight choreography deserves a medal because of the main characters only the actors playing Ryu and Hayate had significant experience in kung-fu films. After anticipated something on the level of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, I am flabbergasted that I have any praise whatsoever for DOA.

Where there negatives? Are you kidding me? But why ruin a good thing with all the negative details. This was a horrendously stupid movie. The plot was laughable, it lasted all of 38 seconds, it was completely exploitative, and it sat on the studio shelves for over half a year for good reasons. But who the hell are you for wanting a classic movie based on the DOA video games?

I want to own this movie right now. I should have bootlegged it when I had the chance. If I have to wait as long for the DVD as I did for the chance to see it in the theater, I may cry. DOA: Dead or Alive is the reason I see so many films during the year. I don’t want to miss the chance to see these debacles in theaters.

6 out of 10

Mr. Brooks

Mr. Brooks falls into that vast abyss of movies that were decent enough and worth the price of admission but after 24 hours it disappears from memory. You can see the problem I am facing since I saw this movie nearly a month ago and this is probably the first time that I have thought about it since then. If my memory is to be trusted (I do have a good track record), this was a pleasant surprise with the majority of the credit going to William Hurt and Kevin Costner.

The biggest highlights of Mr. Brooks occurred during the moments when William Hurt was onscreen. Seeing as he gets to play the manifestation of Costner’s murderous tendencies, Hurt gets to act completely over-the-top, laugh maniacally, and just have an all around good time bouncing dialogue off Costner. Ever since A History of Violence (I would go back to The Village but then I may have to cause myself and anyone who reads this irreparable harm) William Hurt has been performing at an all-star level. Mr. Brooks is just like the icing on the cake. I definitely cannot say the same thing about Kevin Costner. Mr. Brooks is either the first movie I have seen of his since Open Range or the first one that I have praised. And if you attempt to go past Open Range get ready for a long journey until maybe Tin Cup, man I am just not a big Costner fan. But that is the past and he was damn good here. Maybe it was the bowtie, maybe it was the aforementioned chemistry with William Hurt, or maybe it was killing Dane Cook in cold blood, but this was a great performance. The rest of the cast never really hurt the film although no one really does anything noteworthy, outside of Dane Cook not embarrassing himself. Demi Moore was there but the best that I can say about her plot was that it brought Michelle Dessler to the big screen. I missed you Reiko Aylesworth; you absence is noticeable on 24. Outside of the actors and actresses there is not much else worth mentioning. The brutality of the violence was a nice change of pace from the PG-13 movie world that is so prevalent nowadays. This was topped off with the completely ridiculous, yet still awesome, final dream sequence with scissors in neck and blood spurting everywhere. Good times.

I have danced around this so far, but the storyline in Mr. Brooks was bordering on absurd throughout. It walked that fine line with enough skill to not ruin the film but there were parts that really tried my patience. You had two different serial killers, an apprentice serial killer, a novice serial killer, and the alter ego of a serial killer. Really now? Damn near the entire cast were touched with the thrill kill bug. Another annoyance was the Demi Moore supercop plotline. It didn’t add anything to the main story, in fact in felt like someone decided that there needed to be more action by any means necessary. So all of a sudden Demi is being thrown from moving cars and having apartment hallway shootouts like a John Woo knockoff. And the worst thing about Mr. Brooks was that they teased Michelle Dessler nudity but didn’t deliver. That was just messed up and evil.

Although there may have been some glaring faults to the film, Mr. Brooks was a worthwhile trip to the theater. I will see at least 20 to 30 movies better than it this year but at the same time I will probably see about 20 to 30 movies worse than it. It is a middle of the pact movie but sometimes that is good enough.

6 out of 10